A Letter To Low Life Slugs
When I was a kid, a friend of mine said you could pour salt on slugs and it would kill them. I protested and refused to participate. Not even a garden slug deserves to die so needlessly. However, they might sometimes need a hard kick in their little, slug butts.
Dear Low Life Slug:
How sweet is your life? I hope the government unemployment checks haven’t stopped coming in. I hope nobody’s putting you out by pressing you to get out of bed or find a job or start being 1% useful to society.
Slugs aren’t attractive. People don’t like to look at them. Some slugs feed off of dead leaves, fungus, and decaying materials, while others prefer to eat off of living plants. Then there’s the predator slugs that like to eat other slugs.
Imagine an ambitious, hard-working slug (we’ll call him Marvin) going out day after day to make his own way. That little earner might struggle for hours to find a meal under the sandbox. Then after all that hard work BAM! You low life predator slugs pounce on our little friend and eat Marvin and the meal he worked so hard for. You didn’t do anything all day but sit around watching Maury, just waiting to devour someone else’s earnings.
This concept may be hard for you to grasp little, useless slug, but that money you are taking does not magically appear under the sandbox every morning. Those dollars you use on important things like music downloads, cigarettes, movie tickets and more actually has an impact on people who work. Read more »
Bill O’Reilly Not Drinking The (Harvey) Milk
Bil O’Reilly and Whoopi Goldberg traded visits on their shows, The Factor and The View. Here’s a brief exchange between the two over Sean Penn’s playhouse friends as Joy Behar plots the murder of the No Spin guest.
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Hitting The (History) Books
If you like to read and hate wasting time, let me save you some. Somehow I’ve managed to read three popular history books already this year. One was decent, another okay, and the third rubbish.
1. A Short History of the United States by Robert Remini
This ambitious work moves swiftly and covers the basics with lots of sweet, little nuggets along the way. Remini balances the tone to appeal to both long time students and newcomers to the material.
2. The Politically Incorrect Guide To American History by Thomas Woods Jr.
Here you go conservatives. This book assumes a couple of things. First, that you’ve probably heard some traditional history lessons in the past. Second, that you don’t bowl with liberals on Friday nights. Woods doesn’t attack anyone directly but makes the general argument that history has been revised in favor of a liberal agenda. He certainly makes some interesting claims, but I would have to analyze the work more to be sure everything he says holds up. Nevertheless, a good change of pace and certainly better than…
3. American Creation by Joseph Ellis
Ugh. Where to start. You know that look the American Idol judges give a contestant who completely bombs? How anyone can take the Founding Fathers and American Revoluton and make it downright boring, let alone unreadable, is beyond me. If you can stay awake, beware. Ellis is motivated by something and it ain’t exactly accuracy. The overall goal of this dribble seems to be to:
a. Make people hate history by shredding every bit of fascination from the story. Read more »
Hockey Good; ESPN Stupid
The city of Vancouver continues preparation for the 2010 Winter Olympics. The games will be spectacular, and hockey will again feature professional athletes.
Not that ESPN will care.
The worldwide leader in sports divorced hockey years ago. When football is out of season, you’re stuck with basketball–great to play, useless to watch.
Oh sure, such statements are heresy during the March run to the Final Four, but that’s college. In a few days, the student-athletes will be traded in for NBA players. If Kobe Bryant and stars played a game in my backyard, I would close the curtains. Yet that’s all the “worldwide leader in sports” wants to talk about. Read more »
White People With Blue Eyes Ruin Everything
The cause of all this economic trouble has been uncovered. During a joint press conference with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva (Portuguese for “raving lunatic”) said the crisis was caused by “the irrational behavior of white people with blue eyes…”
Brad Pitt better cancel his travel plans to Brazil. I wonder what Gordon Brown’s wife thought of the comments?
PM Gordon Brown’s white, blue eyed wife
When challenged about his idiotic claims, Lula further proved he is a blittering buffoon with no credibility: “I only record what I see in the press. I am not acquainted with a single black banker.” I wonder if he’s ever heard of a black president. I hope my man Walter Williams weighs in on this knucklehead. Read more »
The Dishwasher Rebellion
The insurrection has begun. In our increasingly controlled society, Americans continue to find ways to protest. First came the tea parties, now some Northwesterners are crying “Never!” against fascist government controls. What could be the object of such resistance? Dishwasher Detergents.
Soccer moms have taken to smuggling in the good stuff–Cascade and Electrosol–from the Idaho black market, a seedy underworld of Coscos and Sam’s Clubs that push fish-hating chemical cleaners containing phosphates.
Mabye we better back up for a second. Last year, Washington state law began requiring citizens to use eco-friendlydishwasher detergents.
The reason some people even care about phosphates in detergent is because the chemicals wind up in rivers, promote algae growth, and hog up oxygen that some fish would like to have. Call me calloused, but I really don’t care about some fish I’ve never even met. If I did ever meet them, I would probably just end up eating them anyway. After I eat them, it’ll take a powerful cleaner to get all their leftover bits off my plates.
Ten states including Pennsylvania, New York, Michigan, and more are joining Washington in the ban. From this legislation we learn that:
- The green movement is still going.
- Apparently Congress doesn’t have anything to do.
- Going green leaves your dishes dirty. Read more »
I Love You, Beth Cooper
One of the funniest books ever is coming to the screen.
I bought I Love You, Beth Cooper last year partly because the story looked good but mostly because of this advice from Dave Barry, one of the funniest writers who’s ever breathed:
“If this book doesn’t make you laugh, something is wrong with you.”
The movie releases July 10th and will star Hayden Panetierre as Beth Cooper, the object of Dennis Cooverman’s pathetic desire. I’m not sure how good the movie will be, but the book is hilarious. I mean tears from your eyes, stringy stuff hanging out your nose, lost track of dinner and burn the food funny.
So now when Larry Doyle says to buy a book, you should listen.
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Then There Were 9
American Idol continues to be one of the few worthwhile things on television, the only reality show which features decent real people (for the most part) rather than dysfunctional trainwrecks picked to grab ratings.
For the second week in a row, a regular person displayed poise and perspective as they got sent home.
Michael Sarver followed up Alexis Grace’s calm departure as the latest contestant booted by America.
I love it when losers display good sportsmanship despite disappointment. It’s the same with athletes who keep things in perspective. We may love the competition, but it is just a game or money or fame or anything else that doesn’t matter the second you die. Read more »
Putt Putt Politics
Golf season is here, but the political season is already in full swing. Why not marry the two? I’ve never seen a miniature golf course in Washington D.C., so here’s a few ideas for the enterprising type looking to build a putt-putt course near the base of Washington’s Monument.
Identify your political persuasion with the right ball. Choose from blue, red, green, or rainbow. If you don’t know where you stand try the gray John Kerry special. Now step up and place your ball on one of three circles–left, right, or center.
Hole #1, Anchors Away: Only one of those three openings leads to the cup. Shoot for Anderson Cooper or Bill O’Reilly. There’s also a Keith Olbermann slot but it’s hard to make out so most people ignore it. Beware all those 360 spinners ready to launch you off course. Aim for the no spin zone and your early rating will be great.
Hole #2, Impeached: There’s a lot of twists and turns here. Hillary Clinton is rotating back and forth, blocking Bill’s path to Monica as she does. You’ll need to sneak a shot past the blue dress when Hillary isn’t looking. Watch out for the Linda Tripp-You-Up speed bump in front of the hole. Read more »
Big Government Criticism: Legacy Of The Democrats?
Political allegiances shifted during the four-term presidency of Franklin Roosevelt. Some high profiled left wingers and democrats broke with the president during the controversial New Deal era.
Ronald Reagan, prominent actor of the time, was a New Deal democrat into the 1940s. Over time, Reagan drifted towards the right and limited government. He later said, “I didn’t leave the Democratic Party. The party left me.” Maybe that’s how some of Obama’s current supporters will feel in a few years.
The recent death of conservative actor Ron Silver and subsequent tribute from not so conservative Alec Baldwin got me thinking about democrats who turned on Roosevelt as he blitzed America with New Deal programs during the Great Depression. Read more »
The Greatest Who Ever Lived
I’ve often heard that there are three types of people in this world. That’s not true. There are only two. Those who “get” The Far Side by Gary Larson and those who don’t.
If you don’t know what The Far Side is, don’t worry. There’s still time to go find it and learn. If you don’t like The Far Side, then no offense but there is simply no hope for you. Sure you can still find love (possibly), but you will never understand this world, this life, or real people.
Listen to me single people. If you are considering marriage just clear your mind, grab one of Larson’s single panels, and show it to your other. If he/she laughs until stringy stuff comes out their nose, you can marry them. If he/she gets confused, bored, or angry, you need to run like a deer with a bullseye shaped birthmark. Read more »
Is It Time To Start Teaching U.S. History 3?
Students routinely take U.S. History 1 and 2, with the halves hinged at the Civil War. The big theme throughout those courses is that expansion leads to conflict. Then nuclear weapons showed up and the stakes of the conflict soared. After civil rights movers, cold warriors, and global connectors, the world is a different place. At some point in the future, the third phase of American history will be put in perspective.
The most likely end point for U.S. 2 will be 1991. Most people don’t realize how much the world changed just as Bill Clinton packed up the Arkansas caravan and headed to D.C. The Cold War against communism faded as technology destroyed communication as the world had known it. With no superpower to despise and the internet on the rise (thanks Al Gore), Clinton’s focus became different than any president before him. The times they were a-changin’.
Of course, nature abhors a vacuum so a new enemy rose up, and soon planes, buildings, and people became targets of the anti-West, radicals hell bent on destroying, well, most everyone.
If this U.S. History 3 course is created by mid-century (2050), that will be around 60 years to be covered in one survey course. U.S. 2 currently studies less than 150 years (1865-Present) while U.S. 1 includes over four centuries. Why the disparity? Are historians that bad at math? Read more »
See My Article In the PITTSBURGH POST GAZETTE!
Click it right here for my latest piece which appeared in the Sunday edition of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. The article contains new research about legendary magician and escape king Harry Houdini. [UPDATE: Just heard this story was one of the top 5 most emailed on Post Gazette!] Read more »
Welcome To Here
In The Matrix, Morpheus tells Neo he can take the blue pill and go on believing whatever he wants to believe. Or he can take the red pill to stay in Wonderland and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
This is a red pill type site with a weekly column (and some extras in between) that provides information in an entertaining way. It’s about clear thinking and good writing. It’s about truth.
I’m a writer/speaker who teaches history and political science at a local college by day. Where is local, you say? Well, that would be Wonderland of course.
From pop culture to pop politics, this is my column.
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See My Article In The PITTSBURGH POST GAZETTE
Click it right here for an article I wrote which appeared in a Sunday edition of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. The article became one of the most emailed on the PG website that day.
March 27, 2009 Posted by educlaytion | History | columnist, commentary, forum, freelance, houdini, publishing, writing | Leave a Comment