EduClaytion

The government decided Thursday that we could use a little more regulation in our lives.  Finally.  I was worried they might make it to the weekend without voting to expand their powers. 

The object of their possession is tobacco as the House of Representatives voted to give the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) power to regulate the tobacco industry.  The title of the bill, The Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act, could only have been named by lawyers. Why do I envision parents and children sitting at the table lighting each others smokes?  Are these families literally burning?  At least they were honest enough to put the control part in the title since that’s all these bills are ever about. 

I do not smoke, but…

According to the USA Today, tobacco is the nation’s #1 cause of preventable death.  Apparently that statistic doesn’t count fast food or people who are taxed to death.  Nagging, talking someone’s head off, and killing people with kindness also made the list of preventable deaths.

Don’t worry smokers, tobacco won’t be banned, only regulated.  That means you can still buy cigarettes, but they won’t contain nicotine and may not burn.  Also they will cost $467 a pack.

Companies would also be prohibited from suggesting that ”low-tar,” “light,” or “mild” cigarettes are somehow safer.  So much for that zero calorie, low fat, diet cigarette that was in development.  Further restrictions will create larger warning labels and limit ads to black and white only so as not to visually stimulate possible smokers.  When asked for comment, a color blind smoker I know had this to say: “So what?”

At this point, people are going to smoke regardless of the advertising.  You could write in bold black letters that “THIS PRODUCT WILL MOST LIKELY SHORTEN YOUR LIFE OR AT LEAST LOWER THE QUALITY OF IT AT SOME POINT IN THE (POSSIBLY NEAR) FUTURE,” and folks would still pay the tax increase.  The government would bank on it too, but at least they could say they did something.

These restrictions are praised by health advocates.  I’m not sure how you get into the health advocate club.  Maybe there’s a secret knock.  Oh yeah, and you have to hate tobacco companies.  Anyway, people who like this move are comitted to protecting children and young adults from a terrifying future of deciding for themselves whether or not they want to inhale or chew tobacco. 

In other news, softcore porn is on free cable now and Pez has released its new condom dispenser.  Anything to keep the kiddies safe.

The bill still faces a Senate vote, likely to be a tougher sell.  Key support for the measure is coming from tobacco giant Philip Morris USA (slogan: We would eat our own heart if possible).  Competitors say that Philip Morris is just kissing up to become the government’s favorite murderous tobacco conglomerate health advocates.    

Republican Senator Richard Burr from North Carolina (state slogan: “smoking is good for you”) believes there are better ways for the government to take control.  “If we want efficient and effective regulation, the FDA is not our best option,” he said.  Really?  That’s like saying that shark tanks aren’t the best places for children to play in.

Congress is good at balancing a pretend hate for tobacco with a desperate reliance on the taxes that come from its sales.  Politicians publicly state that smoking kills and tobacco companies must be stopped, but that’s just blowing smoke.  Privately, many of them light up while finding ways to spend the billions of dollars raised from tobacco tax revenues every year. 

Some observers point to Prohibition and the congressional action that outlawed liquor from 1919-1933 (FDR  took care of that).  Don’t worry.  Cigarettes will never be banned because the government needs their fundraiser to pay for programs including children’s healthcare and, if there’s any money left over, free cable porn.