The IRS and Tooth Decay
Did you ever have that nightmare about going to the dentist? I never have, but today is April 15th, tax day, and I keep having the nightmare about what the government is going to do to me.
Tax offices are more frightening than dentists. Luckily, I’ve found something that can help alleviate my fear.
I recently heard a commercial offering “sleep dentistry
.” Now I’ve experienced dental cocktails that sedate you before having teeth worked on. I even got the nitrous gas once for my wisdom teeth. That was one of the better mornings of my life. The cop that pulled my girlfriend over didn’t know what to make of me in the passenger seat, slumped and drooling like a boxer in the corner of the ring.
I don’t have much fear of dentists, so the radio ad didn’t appeal to me, but what about my fear of the IRS? May I propose a hybrid approach to be known as Sleep Accounting?
Imagine how glorious doing your taxes could be! You take a simple cocktail of sedatives before leaving your home (make sure you have a driver), arrive at the tax office feeling light and free, then get blasted with some nitrous. You’ll be counting pink elephants while your accountant does the nasty business with your W-2s.
Accountants, like dentists, mostly want to help people. I guess that makes the IRS analagous to pain, infection, and decay.
We usually fear those who must fix us. I respect their decisions; although I never understood that stupid elf in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
What kind of sick individual would leave a job making magical toys in the North Pole to wield picks and drills while digging out people’s nerves? That’s like having clowns at a birthday party when you know half the kids are afraid of them. Of course, to keep this paragraph going would insinuate that dentists are misfits, and I don’t think that’s fair since I have a dental appointment later this week.
Here’s another website that says over 35 million Americans have some level of anxiety when it comes to dentists. I can’t imagine what the rate in England must be. This site says that:
“Some of our patients have had a traumatic experience in a dental chair…”
I’m not sure they worded that properly. Are they warning us about what might happen if we go there? Also, I do not know anyone who’s had a traumatic experience in a dental chair, but I would love to hear that story.
I could just imagine some poor soul, we’ll call him Ernie Farkenwaller, lounging in a dentist chair as his parents explain how mommy and daddy are getting a divorce.
Maybe the traum
a was physical, like Ernie Farkenwaller was getting his teeth cleaned when all of a sudden the dentist drilled throug his cheeks. I don’t think the chair should be blamed.
Then again, maybe he was having a cavity filled when the accountant called to discuss taxes. Talk about trauma.
I’m really starting to appreciate the sales pitch of Dr. Gerald Levine. After attempting a reasonable tone, the good dentist finally (and I’m not making this up) declares in bold red caps: “WE CATER TO COWARDS!” At least he’s honest.
Yes, April 15th is a painful reminder of just how much we owe the government we’re supposed to be in charge of, but you better pay or else…you’ll pay some more.
So if you find yourself in trouble with the IRS this year, fear not when the agents arrive at your door. Just relax, take this pill, and count backwards from ten. Or invite the agents in for a drink. I know a dentist who makes the best cocktails.
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Life. Culture. Education.
Life as Pop Culture Professor Clay Morgan
In The Matrix, Morpheus tells Neo he can take the blue pill and go on believing whatever he wants to believe. Or he can take the red pill to stay in Wonderland and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
This is a red pill type site that provides information in an entertaining way. It’s about clear thinking and good writing. It’s about finding meaning amidst the absurd. It’s about humor and truth.
I’m a writer / speaker who teaches history and political courses at a couple of local colleges. Where is local, you say? Well, that would be Wonderland of course.
On topics ranging from pop culture to the meaning of life, my brain’s always poppin’. Take the red pill and unplug.
Ah, bringing back fond memories of last week for me, when I had to pull out my check book and start writting checks. Not one check, oh no, never that easy or pleasent. I almost wish I was put under for the writting of the checks, then I could wake up and keep pretending it was a bad dream.
I honestly felt like I had been robbed(but if the government does it for my own good, they’re not really robbing me, right?). Hey, on the good side you get about 500 dollars back…bad side you have to give half of that back to pay the IRS, State, Fed, ect.
Thank goodness their only doing it for my own good, now I can sleep at night. heh.
~J~
I feel your pain. Where’s the Novocaine?
[...] Seventy years earlier, in 1913, the government smacked us with one of its nastiest moves ever when the income tax, that blasted creation, was introduced on this date. To learn more about how I feel about taxes you should read my comparison between the IRS and tooth decay. [...]