Hope You Could Believe In
Bob Hope was born on May 29th, 1903. One of the all-time legends of comedy and a great American who honored U.S. troops throughout his career. The following is a short clip from the 1940 film The Ghost Breakers. Many observers rank this as one of the funniest move lines ever. That is, when people had a sense of humor about politics.
What is the GREATEST movie line ever? Comment your picks for a future article. Subscribe to my feed or you can click here to receive posts via email.
Scientologists Gone Wild
Someone should tell the Mormons that they blew it. Sorry Mitt. If you’re ever gonna make up a new religion don’t pick Utah as your headquarters. Where would be better than Utah you ask? Good question. The answer is just about anywhere else, but preferably the beach. For followers of sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard that would be Clearwater Beach, Florida.
I know this because I recently spent a fortnight (assuming fortnight means 8 days) down at Clearwater. Sure, like any other religious seeker I dabbled in other areas like Tam
pa Bay and Ft. Myers, but those other spots lacked all I came to love about ClearH2O, endearing features like torrential rainfall, tornado warnings, shark attacks, haters of all things Pittsburgh and, most of all, Scientologists.
Quick editorial note: I don’t really believe Scientology should have a capital S, but let’s not take the chance since they could sick aliens on me to melt my brain and/or face.
Since you, like me, have probably never researched this unique organization, let’s take a closer look, and by closer look I mean ridicule and satirize without actually researching anything.
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All I knew about Scientology heading into my vaca was that L. Ron Hubbard created the thing, Tom Cruise & John Travolta were big fans, and aliens were involved. That alone helped explain Cruise’s behavior on Oprah and Battlefield Earth. Also, they want to “clear the planet” of us 6 billion or so people in their way. Bet you didn’t know that little chestnut.
As I first took in the sights of Clearwater Beach, I began to learn more of these pleasure seekers. They’re not exactly catching rays at the surf, more like walking in circles around landside buildings. And they love Starbucks. Beware coffee drinkers, methinks there’s a powerful elixir in that steaming venti.
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| Key Centers Of Scientology. Notice Starbucks. I Have No Idea Why 311 Eldridge St. Is Marked. |
One day I got stopped at a red light next to a parked van, the official ScientologyMobile. Graphics adorned the white box on wheels, messages explained that I was empty and miserable and urged me to buy L. Ron Hubbard’s book Dianetics so that I could attain peace and happiness. Inspired by the cult-mobile I yearned to know more. Well, that and it had rained for five straight days.
At first I tried to speak to some of the local faithful. Scientologists are easy to spot. Their dress code apparently came out of the employee handbook for Red Lobster servers. Perhaps sensing my outsiderness, they hoarded their Starbucks cups and sidestepped me as I approached. I tried signaling them ala Spock from Star Trek, but I never could do that stupid salute with two fingers pointing each way, so I inadvertently gave a bunch of Scientologists the finger. Trust me, not something you want to do on their home turf.
I looked to my family for help, but they had jumped in the rental van and drove away. Relentless as Rosie O’Donnell after porkchop sandwiches, I determined to infiltrate the Clearwater compound for answers. Read more »
They Touched The Prince’s Hardware
Quite a historical day, eh? No, I’m not talking about Obama nominating a Latin lady, I’m referring to the Pittsburgh Penguins defying the odds and returning to the Stanley Cu
p finals for a second consecutive year. Let’s hear it Steel City hoopleheads.
By sweeping the Carolina Hurricanes in four straight games, the Pens emerge as Eastern Conference champions. That and a bunch of bruises gets them the Prince of Wales trophy, a shiny piece of hardware that the team refused to touch last year. Why would they do that? Well, last year they figured the goal was a bigger trophy known as the Stanley Cup. After losing in six games to the Detroit Red Wings in the finals last spring, they ended up failing to get their mitts on any shiny metal. So this year they decided to get close to the Prince of Wales trophy. They grabbed it, posed with it, held it, caressed it. Yes, it was like a soap commercial.
Versus reporter Christine Simpson asked Penguins captain and all around greatest Canadian going Sidney Crosby why the change of heart. Sir Sidney simply said, “Last year we didn’t touch it and things didn’t work out the way we wanted.” Ah, the wonderful world of hockey were pros are more superstitious than Black Death survivors. Read more »
Obama Taps Sonia Sotomayor
Not much of a surprise this morning as President Obama selected frontrunner Sonia Sotomayor to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter. She’s female, latino, and liberal. Those are the basics anyway. Oh yeah, she’s also the judge that stopped the Major League Baseball strike in 1995.
I wonder if she’ll go on Oprah. At the very least, I expect Maya Rudolph to return to Saturday Night Live for this one.
Rather than pretend I’ve followed her career since the 90s, I’ll give you two breakdowns on the fresh pick. Michelle Malkin and the New York Times have both already weighed in.
You can bet the confirmation fight will go from snippy to snooty to snotty to plain ol’ nasty in a flash. Sotomayor believes America often needs fixin’ and the bench is a great place to start. That means conservatives will cringe as she attempts to dress up past rulings and writings.
The battle should make for an interesting summer. I doubt Sotomayor will spend that time watching baseball though.
Memorial Day Tribute
Last Saturday, an old man sat near the back of a Southwest plane flying from Tampa Bay, Florida. I didn’t notice when he boarded. I didn’t see him for a few hundred miles until a flight attendant strolled by asking for drink orders. After she passed me I heard her say, “Thank you for your service.”
I’ve said those words to many strangers many times. I knew she was speaking to a veteran. I wondered what war this man had fought in.
He answered, his voice faint yet steady. “It truly was my pleasure,” the old man said.
I believed him.
After a minute I turned to catch a glimpse of the old hero. Only his head was visible. A black ballcap with World War II written in red rested atop his gray hair. Five or six pins stuck out from the face of the hat. He wore glasses and smiled although he did not see me. He looke
d to be in his mid-late seventies.
I bet you’ve seen someone just like him before. There are veterans from a half dozen wars walking around America today. Some will be at parades, some at ballgames, some on planes, and some in your neighborhood. They will probably not tell you what they have done, will not brag. At most, they’ll don a simple cap to identify themselves to the dwindling number of fellow servicemen and women who share those unique bonds as fellow fighters. We cannot travel with them through their memories if we were not there.
All we can do is to say thank you. All you have to do is notice them. Happy Memorial Day.
Take a few minutes on your day off to watch this short clip. I think you’ll be amazed. Thanks to the Evergreen Freedom Foundation for putting these pieces together.
Please share your memories of veterans in the comment section below. You can also Subscribe to my feed or click here to receive posts via email.
Please Enjoy This Greatness While You Wait
So I’ve survived some of the worst weather in Florida history. Read all about it tomorrow and get ready for the wild world of Scientologists Gone Wild at Clearwater Beach.
In the meantime, here’s a little sampling of what’s been on my mind. As Will Ferrell playing Alex Trebeck would say: “Simply stunning.”
What Does A Terrorist Look Like?
How do you feel about profiling terrorists? After flying to Florida via Philadelphia yesterday, my son made an interesting statement. “I thought that guy sitting across from me was a terrorist,” he said. Good thing the ACLU 
didn’t hear him.
Kids don’t know about political correctness. Many persnickety people would scold a child who observed the common appearances of people who commit acts of terror. I am not persnickety.In fact, even though he made the comment long after the flight, I knew exactly which passenger my boy meant. I had considered the same thing.
According to some folks, that makes me a bigot of some kind. I guess I am. I am morally oppposed to terrorists and really struggle with that whole “love your enemies” command when it comes to those who wish to murder me, my family, and my country. I think they’re terrible humans and the world is better off with them dead. Forget water boarding by the way, chop off their fingers and toes one by one if such torture will result in information that will prevent future attacks and save American lives.
So I guess the part that makes me terrible is looking at a person of Middle Eastern descent and pondering whether or not he’s a terrorist. Yes, I said he. I have never looked at a Middle Eastern woman, child, or senior citizen and thought the same thing. I don’t assume these men are planning to kill me; I just pause to consider it. Especially when I’m on a plane and have been selected by a flight attendant to sit next to the emergency door over the wing in case we have to evacuate the passengers.
So do I think that all Muslim men are terrorists? Read more »
We’re All On Drugs
Pfizer is getting in on the bailout fun. The pharmaceutical giant will provide free drugs to folks who have lost their jobs recently. The interesting point here w
ould have to do with the inclusion of Viagra for the jobless.
Call me old-fashioned, but if you’ve recently lost your job, the last thing you need is Viagra and the distractions that come with all that. If your distractions last for more than four hours, how in the world will you get any applications filled out? I would focus on beefing up a resume instead. I can imagine the conversation.
DOCTOR: What seems to be the problem?
JOBLESS GUY: I recently lost my job.
DR.: What am I supposed to do?
JG : Give me Viagra.
DR.: Do you work in porn?
JG: No, I just want to be ready in case the time is right.
[Cue terrible music by middle-aged cover band] Read more »
One For The Ages
I’m a happily married, heterosexual guy, but I fear that my heart may soon be broken by another man. It wouldn’t be the first time.
A couple hours before midnight last evening, the Washington Capitals managed to edge out the Pittsburgh Peng
uins in game 6 of what has been one of the greatest playoff series in sports history. Over twenty years from now, when Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Alexander Ovechkin are in the Hall of Fame, fans and scribes will recall the 2nd round Stanley Cup playoff series of 2009.
I’ll let Hooks Orpik over at Pensburgh fill you in on what’s happened so far. I’ve got too much on my mind, childhood trauma threatening to bring back that same recurring nightmare. This nightmare is as real as a bird eating tarantula in Australia. Fragmented visions replay over in my mind. The face of the villain changes from one heartbreak to the next, and I fear this time the new face of devastation will be grinning and scruffy and Russian.
Alexander Ovechkin, the most skilled goon in hockey history, has the most wicked wrist shot you’ve ever seen. No matter how well the Pens shut him down, he’s always there, lurking, waiting to Capitalize on that one chance.
He’s only the most recent villain in my string of menacing faces. Every sports fan remembers those moments that your team didn’t win, the good guys didn’t pull it off. Here are just four men who have broken my heart and made me wish I just didn’t care. Read more »
Christian Students, Gay Porn, & Kevin Bacon
In two separate incidents last week, a Christian school found itself in controversy over student activities related to sexual morality. Both schools threatened suspension over violations of their conduct codes. One case may go through the federal court system. Regardless, there’s no getting around the Kevin Bacon references.
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| Mr. Bale Is One Angry Christian |
You wouldn’t e
xpect to find a gay porn star attending Grove City College, a Christian university in Pennsylvania. Students and administrators were pretty stunned when pictures of John Gechter, A.K.A. Vincent DeSalvo, turned up in gay porn videos doing his thing. Gechter’s no longer a student at Grove City as he’s been suspended for 16 months. Of course, with all this publicity he’ll have no problem getting more work from gay porn human resources people.
Not surprisingly, allegations are already flying that he’s being persecuted because he’s gay. I guess the legal argument is that he would be fine if he were only doing straight porn. Good luck selling that juice Jack.
Let’s move West across the Pennsylvania-Ohio border to Findlay, the town that gave us Pittsburgh Steelers Super-Bowl champion and best quarterback in professional football–Ben Roethlisberger. In a real life version of Footloose (Honorable Mention on the movie list), a Baptist student has been suspended, given incompletes, and barred from high school graduation for violating school policy. Also, a bunch of local church types took a vote. Read more »
Skinny Dip With Pelosi or Paintball With Palin?
What do Senator John Kerry, actor Nick Nolte, and Pittsburgh Steelers (Super Bowl winning) coach Mike Tomlin have in common? The unlikely trio showed up at the Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh the other night to catch game 4 between the Pittsburgh Penguins and Washington Capitals.
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| Obama Broke The 1st Pitch Tradition. Want To Hang With Bush? |
I started wondering which of those three men would be the most interesting to hang with during the game. To me they’re kind of like the good, the bad, and the ugly. If you know me you’ll figure out who’s who. Then I started wondering what living person would you most want to go anywhere with?
Would it be someone you admire? Someone you want to knock some sense into? Would you like to hang with an athlete or the president or an innovator?
Where would you go? The Super Bowl? The Academy Awards (snore)? Walmart?
I would like to take Nancy Pelosi to an NRA meeting. Of course, sitting in a luxury box with Mario Lemieux during a Stanley Cup clinching Penguins game would be sweet also.
Who would you like to hang with and where?
What is your ideal outing? You can also Subscribe to my feed or click here to receive posts via email.
Sex Boycotts
Life imitated art this week in Africa as some Kenyan women called a play from the playbook of classical Greece. The men of Kenya continue to battle political opponents without doing any good for the people. Now those men don’t get to have sex for a while until they think about what they’ve done and change.
One man, James Kimondo is suing the leaders of G10, the coalition of women’s groups that has called for this national sex boycott. Kimondo is claiming anxiety and sleepless night since his wife is denying his “conjugal rights.” Ha! For the love of Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Where to begin?
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| Giving No For An Answer |
Leaders who have sparred for decades have put aside their differences to complain to each other about their wives.
In other news, Kenya’s prostitution industry is getting a ton of action this week.
Miss California Carrie Prejean could not be reached for comment, Hugh Heffner is appalled, and Perez Hilton doesn’t understand what the big deal is.
Let’s skip to Aristophanes, the world’s first comedic playwright. His play Lysistrata tells a similar tale of a woman tired of death and tragedy during the era of the Peloponnesian War. Lysistrata convinces some other gals to hold out in the bedroom until the boys shape up. Unlike anti-war movies of today, Aristophanes actually experienced some success at the box office. Apparently sex strikes are funny as long as they’re fictional. Read more »
Should Bloggers Lose Freedom Of Press?
Maybe the 1st Amendment doesn’t apply to bloggers, at least the bad ones. That’s a question approached by 
USA Today founder Al Neuharth in Friday’s “Plain Talk” commentary.
When I hear a question like this asked, I tend to coil like a cobra in a corner. Mr. Neuharth’s opinions are often as useless as black jellybeans, so I prepared to be maddened by the short column. The potential targets are bad bloggers who “peddle phony stuff to promote themselves and/or hurt others.” Some readers aren’t informed or smart enough to tell the difference, he says and describes the significance.
“Some politicians, prime victims of bad bloggers, think the First Amendment protection of a free press should not apply to bloggers and have threatened laws to try to do something about it.”
The only politician mentioned is State Senator Steve Gross, A.K.A. some guy you’ve never heard of unless you live somewhere in North Carolina. You’ll be stunned to learn he’s a democrat.
Anyway, the surprise twist comes from Neuharth. He declares that such measures are “wrong,” and the internet today is no different than pamphlets in the days of the Founders. Readers need to use their brains and check uncredited statements. People attacked by bloggers need to develop a sense of humor. As comedian Lewis Black once said, the ability to laugh about things is a powerful asset. If only the jihadists could figure that out.
Come to think of it, England could use a sense of humor these days as they squat on freedoms through increasing censorship. You may have heard that conservative shock jock Michael Savage has recently been banned from her majesty’s playground. Savage is likened to a murderer or terrorist or something, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. State police powers are growing as media is facing more restrictions and some have even been arrested for criticizing Islam. I guess Ann Coulter won’t be visiting London anytime soon. Criticize America or Christianity or Judaism all you want by the way. Read more »
Got Any Other Questions?
May 7 is the anniversary of the sinking of the Lusitania in 1915, a passenger ship destroyed by Germans. Almost 1,200 people died in the tragedy, over 120 of them Americans. The famous attack was the original Pearl Harbor to many folks in the 1910s. Two years later
, America entered World War I. The Germans didn’t have too many questions after that except “Where do I sign” when presented with surrender documents.
At the time of this attack, many American citizens still supported Germany in the global conflict, the biggest war in world history to that point. The United States had been neutral, although they were about as objective as John Madden broadcasting a Brett Favre game. President Woodrow Wilson supported the British but pledged to keep his country out of war. Well, that’s what he said until he secured re-election.
Millions of German Americans faced scrutiny and feared the worst after their homeland sunk the Lusitania, a British luxury cruise liner. They weren’t attacked in the streets, but politicians also didn’t sit around trying to understand why the enemy attacked over a thousand passengers. The only thing that mattered was identifying the enemy and defending our own. Worrying about the feelings of our enemies didn’t seem to be a priority.
Funny how times change. Read more »
Hating On Hate Crimes
What exactly is a hate crime? Is it hurting someone because of who they are or what they believe? Do only certain people count? Such questions marinate on my mind these days as debate twizzles over a new bill passed by the House on the issue 
of hate crime.
At first you might guess that a hate crime is when a member of a minority group is targeted. If a black or Jewish or gay person is targeted, then you have a hate crime right? I hear women also count. So every crime is a hate crime unless it’s against straight white people? No, because minorities are killed everyday without mention of a hate crime. So if blacks or Jews or gays or women are killed just because, then don’t sweat it, but look out if the killer acted because of skin color, religious belief, or sexual orientation.
Look, if someone kills me I’m pretty sure they hate me. I don’t think my family cares much what motivated my murderer. What if I was killed for being 6’3″? Maybe some angry, short guy hates tall people. That would be a hate crime right? As a dead person I don’t think I would really care.
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The current scuttlebutt revolves around fears that anyone opposing gay lifestyles or marriage will get nabbed when someone they know does something bad. According to Fox News contributor James Osborne: “For much of the last decade gay rights activists have been fighting for inclusion within the federal hate crimes law, which places greater penalties on crimes that are committed based on race, ethnicity and religion.”
Many conservatives are up in arms over the bill saying that prosecutions will be extended against groups, particularly Christians, who teach that homosexuality is morally wrong. Another group against gays would be Muslims, but I don’t want to go off course here. Read more »
Welcome To Here
In The Matrix, Morpheus tells Neo he can take the blue pill and go on believing whatever he wants to believe. Or he can take the red pill to stay in Wonderland and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
This is a red pill type site with a weekly column (and some extras in between) that provides information in an entertaining way. It’s about clear thinking and good writing. It’s about truth.
I’m a writer/speaker who teaches history and political science at a local college by day. Where is local, you say? Well, that would be Wonderland of course.
From pop culture to pop politics, this is my column.
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