EduClaytion

Someone should tell the Mormons that they blew it.  Sorry Mitt.  If you’re ever gonna make up a new religion don’t pick Utah as your headquarters.  Where would be better than Utah you ask?  Good question.  The answer is just about anywhere else, but preferably the beach.  For followers of sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard that would be Clearwater Beach, Florida.

I know this because I recently spent a fortnight (assuming fortnight means 8 days) down at Clearwater.  Sure, like any other religious seeker I dabbled in other areas like Tampa Bay and Ft. Myers, but those other spots lacked all I came to love about ClearH2O, endearing features like torrential rainfall, tornado warnings, shark attacks, haters of all things Pittsburgh and, most of all, Scientologists. 

Quick editorial note: I don’t really believe Scientology should have a capital S, but let’s not take the chance since they could sick aliens on me to melt my brain and/or face.

Since you, like me, have probably never researched this unique organization, let’s take a closer look, and by closer look I mean ridicule and satirize without actually researching anything.

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All I knew about Scientology heading into my vaca was that L. Ron Hubbard created the thing, Tom Cruise & John Travolta were big fans, and aliens were involved.  That alone helped explain Cruise’s behavior on Oprah and Battlefield Earth.  Also, they want to “clear the planet” of us 6 billion or so people in their way.  Bet you didn’t know that little chestnut.

As I first took in the sights of Clearwater Beach, I began to learn more of these pleasure seekers.  They’re not exactly catching rays at the surf, more like walking in circles around landside buildings.  And they love Starbucks.  Beware coffee drinkers, methinks there’s a powerful elixir in that steaming venti. 

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Key Centers Of Scientology. Notice Starbucks. I Have No Idea Why 311 Eldridge St. Is Marked.

One day I got stopped at a red light next to a parked van, the official ScientologyMobile.  Graphics adorned the white box on wheels, messages explained that I was empty and miserable and urged me to buy L. Ron Hubbard’s book Dianetics so that I could attain peace and happiness.  Inspired by the cult-mobile I yearned to know more.  Well, that and it had rained for five straight days. 

At first I tried to speak to some of the local faithful.  Scientologists are easy to spot.  Their dress code apparently came out of the employee handbook for Red Lobster servers.  Perhaps sensing my outsiderness, they hoarded their Starbucks cups and sidestepped me as I approached.  I tried signaling them ala Spock from Star Trek, but I never could do that stupid salute with two fingers pointing each way, so I inadvertently gave a bunch of Scientologists the finger.  Trust me, not something you want to do on their home turf. 

I looked to my family for help, but they had jumped in the rental van and drove away.  Relentless as Rosie O’Donnell after porkchop sandwiches, I determined to infiltrate the Clearwater compound for answers. 

I slipped into a local thrift shop and picked out some Scientology gear, pants and a white shirt with buttons.  I already began to understand how the curse of L. Ron Hubbard could be so appealing.  In the piercing heat and humidity of Florida, wearing that many clothes everyday threatens your air supply and makes you feel light-headed.  I couldn’t even think about hot coffee.  Also, I realized I’ve never seen Tom Cruise wearing shorts.

Properly attired, notebook under my arm, I approached the main entrance to the compound hoping I could fake whatever secret handshake would be necessary.  I tried to remember how Danny Glover penetrated the alien lair in the Predator movie.  A registration official behind the front desk asked if he could help me.  I panicked and pretended to trip.  As he rushed to help, I faked a nose bleed and asked for the nearest restroom.  He seemed skeptical, but I was in.

I snuck up a stairwell to a floor with various recruits milling around.  A confident staffer noticed me and offered a seat.  She then challenged me to a staring contest which lasted an hour no matter how many times I blinked.  Eventually I began hallucinating .  This is what I saw.

 I couldn’t take it anymore.  Have you ever seen that movie?  One time was terrible enough.  A man across the room was talking to an umbrella.  After it refused to open for him, he peed himself.  No word on whether or not he meant to because I snapped and began screaming. 

I shouted “You people are crazy!”  They just looked at me.  I yelled “Mormons aren’t as scary!”  The staring contest lady furrowed her unibrow.  Finally I screamed, “Starbucks is overrated!”

Well, that did it.  A roomful of crazies began chasing me.  Even umbrella peeing guy seemed concerned.  I took off for the stairwell, afraid that I might never make it out alive to spend another day cooped up inside as God withheld sunshine from Florida for letting so many psychopaths in.

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Since you’re reading this, you can probably guess I made it out alive.  How did I do it?  Turns out scientologists (oh forget the capital S) aren’t that athletic.  Have you ever seen them?  Not exactly a bumper crop of quarterbacks and prom queens.  Also, I think they’re afraid of water which explains the distance they kept from the beach and why that guy peed on an umbrella for not being his friend.  Plus, Tom Cruise never goes in water in any of his movies.  Think about it.

If you’re a Scientologist today reading this, what are you doing?  Don’t you have secret meetings to go to?  Who even let you see this propaganda?  Someone in the brainwashing department must be asleep at the switch, and by switch I mean the thing grandmas used to beat children with in 1956. 

You’re probably thinking I’m stretching the truth here.  Actually, the truth is way worse.  Even Europe has had enough.  Germany, France and others are prepping to boot the entire cult from their country.  It’s so bad even Nicole Kidman and I can agree on something. 

But don’t worry little, crazy people.  You’ll always find safehaven at Clearwater Beach or anywhere else in the United States.  Yes boys and girls, we Americans will continue to tolerate everything, no matter how extreme, unless it reflects the beliefs and ideals of our Founding Fathers.  Now if I could just find my family…