EduClaytion

Global Politics, Pancakes, N’at

So the G20 Summit is coming to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  I wonder if the United Nations will supply a translator for the language of the locals: Pittsburghese.  If you are unfamiliar with this strange dialect, take a peek at the official site. 

I jes can’t wait for em politicians to git dahntahn for that summit n’at.  If you can decipher the preceding sentence, chances are you’ve been to the Burgh.  You might even refer to more than one person as yinz, the ultimate Steel City term to identify local masses, especially fans of em Stillers (the Steelers).  Yinzers are the new hoopleheads.

Of all the cities in the world, Pittsburgh is the strangest venue for an international summit of the leaders of the most powerful countries on the globe.  Sure, the Burgh has been twice voted America’s most livable city, but no one around here will pretend they’re not shocked by Obama’s announcement.  Apparently Pittsburgh is a good example of how to restore a region from economic collapse through new technology and going green.  

City Mayor Luke Ravenstahl says this may be the biggest event in Pittsburgh history.  That kind of exposure will bring thousands of folks from all over to attend.  The funnest part might be the anticipated protesters. 

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“Abolish money so we can exploit people through other means like trinkets!”

Every time one of these summits goes on a bunch of wacko establishment fighters get together to raise hell like an animated mob from South Park.  The rabblerousers will complain that big business must fall, trees are dying, economic success is devilish, and rich people are Satan.  I’m not sure if that’s accurate, I try to shut them out while I drive past in my monster, gas-guzzling SUV.  Think of the protesters up against Steeler fans, those lovable yinzers.  I can hear it now.  “Get outta here ya jagoffs, yer cloggin’ up dahntahn traffic n’At!”

Slimy Ed Rendell, our distinguished governor, will no doubt try to capitalize on all the hoopla by pretending that he hasn’t treated Pittsburgh like cartoon Calvin peeing all over those Ford signs on the back of Chevys.  The only thing Fast Eddie cares more about than Philadelphia is himself. 

Let’s face it, Pennsylvania is going to be important in the upcoming election.  All this exposure will benefit incumbent politicians and should earn Obama critical brownie points that could translate into electoral votes in 2010-12. 

Obama does seem to have a soft spot for Pittsburgh.  The president has already named Steelers owner Dan Rooney as an ambassador to Ireland, home of me fathers.  Recently he invited local diner owners of Pamela’s P & G to cook breakfast in Washington D.C. for Memorial Day.  By the way, I know my way around food and on this issue me and the president see eye to eye.  Pamela’s crepe pancakes are literally the best in the world.  They’re like crack if hardcore drugs are something that appeal to you.  Otherwise, they’re like emotional commitment (for women) or world domination (for men).

So I’m not really sure why this summit even needs to be held.  The debate is already settled about the world’s best pancakes.  I suppose Obama learned something else though over the past year, something his advance scout team probably confirmed last month.  Pittsburgh is filled with a lot of nice people.  Sure, they may scream at their kids all night and go crazy if Roethlisberger tosses an interception, but this city has a way of growing on you.  Maybe that explains this fungus on my leg.

June 3, 2009 - Posted by educlaytion | News, Politics