EduClaytion

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez told his people last week they better lose some weight if their glorious revolution is to be successful.  ”There are lots of fat people,” said the not-so-svelte tyrant.  He explained the solution during a televised speech.  “Doing sit-ups. Eating well. One has to learn how to eat.”

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Will Michael Moore heed the diet call of his buddy Chavez?

So what does a good revolutionary eat?  Soy milk and rice pasta for starters.  Such healthy dishes make Chavez feel “ready to continue commanding the Bolívarian revolution”.  Unfortunately, most Venezuelans prefer coke, beer, and fried pork. 

I’m sure the fact that Chavez is calling his people fat has nothing to do with their love for American-style food products.  I’m further confident this speech has nothing to do with coming restrictions on the lives of Venezuelans.  Riiiigggghhhht.

In other news this past week, pigs may not be as stupid as we thought.  Actually, let’s face it, no one cares about how smart pigs might be except for misguided researchers intent on wasting millions of dollars so we can figure out how smart our food might be before it walks to slaughter.  A study on pig cognition has shown that pigs must be quick learners.  Wanna know what it is to lead an empty life?  Become a scientific researcher that doesn’t benefit society no matter how “successful” they ever become.  I wonder if this is a government-funded (our tax money) project.

Speaking of fat pigs, Rosie O’Donnell was back in the news last week.  I guess pigs aren’t that smart after all.  She managed to chortle out a couple swears before dropping an F bomb on Fallon’s audience.  By the way, Fallon loses a ton of cred in my book for appearing to be so happy about her.  I thought we knew you better Jimmy. 

Rosie’s lone positive contribution to society is that she didn’t ruin A League Of Their Own.  I still can’t believe she played Betty Rubble, beloved cartoon of my youth.  She makes Miss Piggy look like Marilyn Monroe.  I never thought twice about Miss Nasty until I happened to catch her ambushing Tom Selleck on her doomed show back in 1999.  She’s been an abject failure ever since.

Maybe they can send some of these fools to the moon.  According to NASA, there’s plenty of water there for them to drink.  You may remember back on October 9th when some hopeful observers stood on their front porch or lawn to see the Lcross Centuar make impact with the moon.  Apparently you can’t see a car crash 250,000 miles away.  Shocker.  Anyway, the NASA mission confirmed an earlier Indian mission.  There is water on the moon, maybe even as much as 25 gallons in one spot!  It may not solve our water conservation problems but should come in useful, well, never.

Lou Dobbs has left CNN.  If you don’t know who Dobbs is, read one of his books.  Dobbs does a better job of offering solutions than other spinsters.  You can decide for yourself whether you agree or not.  He’d call himself an independent.  He’s extremely critical of the left as well as corporate interests in politics.  He’s not shy about immigration either.  The full story will come out over time why someone with Dobbs platform would suddenly bolt from CNN other than the fact that he worked at CNN.  Maybe he was forced out or coulda been just burned out.  Who knows.  Either way, he is useful as he opposes big government and calls both parties what they are.

Finally, today marks a sad anniversary as the Federal Reserve Bank leapt into existence this date in 1914.  Yes, 85 years ago on Woodrow Wilson’s watch, powerful banking and corporate elites violated the constitution to establish the Federal Reserve.  By 1929 those top hatted goons had set the U.S. up for a great stock market crash that misguided government programs could extend into a decade long “depression.”  The Fed has continued it magical mayhem in recent years, and today we still have loads of economic turmoil to slosh through, courtesy of your federal government (both parties) and Federal Reserve.  Goodie.