EduClaytion

Have you ever heard a story that should be sad but makes you laugh?  No, I’m not talking about the story of the 2009 Pittsburgh Steelers.  The juicy little tidbit I have roasting over an open fire is about literally stealing some Christmas joy. 

If Charles Dickens and Dr. Seuss would have got together, they might have come up with this true story that Huffington Post ran with the headline “Police: Christmas-Hating Man Stole Salvation Army Kettle In Maumee, Ohio.”  Ebenezer Scrooge doesn’t have much on the Christmas culprit who shoved a bell-ringer to the ground, snatched the kettle filled with hundreds of dollars, and took off like the Hamburglar.  The victim was an unemployed woman trying to do some good for someone. 

I know that’s not very funny, but then I got to the part of the story where the man yelled out, “I can’t stand you and your bell-ringing.  I hate Christmas!”  What a cartoon this guy is.  Sorry but I find that funny.  Dont worry, the loser scrooge has been arrested.  Anybody that stupid never gets away. 

His name is Shawn Krieger and he apparently attended the Kanye West School of Civility and Jackassery.  He narrowly escaped the woman he pushed.  She chased him until he sped off in a stolen pickup truck (what else?).  The poor woman feared she had let down the Army of love, but she’s been assured that she can go right on ringing those bells and sending wishes to strangers.  Pretty impressive when you consider she ain’t getting paid. 

*** 

I was thinking about the Salvation Army–a.k.a. my old employer–recently after seeing a couple of bell-ringers womanning their post next to one of those iconic red kettles outside of a grocery store.  The difference that caught my eye this time was the youthful appearance of the merriment wishers.  The bell-ringing greeters were actually two young girls, attractive and sweet.  

As I walked past the girls, I tried to remember the last time I had seen anyone under the age of 40 soliciting money for the red buckets.  Now, I’m no Scrooge with charity, but I often walk past the red kettles without pitching in.  I had forgotten about the girls by the time I located my Red Bull, but on my way out there they were, smiling and being all young out in the cold.  Maybe they were in high school, perhaps it was college, but I knew they could’ve found a thousand other ways to spend their evening.  I liked that about them.  I made a small donation.  They smiled and thanked me.  

Every year at this time we hear about how giving at the Salvation Army is down.  I’m sure the drop will be reportedly catastrophic in these tough economic times.  Well, a good organization changes to meet challenges at all times.  While the Army offers more ways to donate online and through text messaging, some branches are introducing credit card machines to make giving easier.  Really?  I didn’t realize the challenge of fitting pocket change into a plus sign shaped slot.  Didn’t most of us conquer that challenge with our Fisher Price Fun Shapes Ball when we were two-years-old?  I know what you business managers out there are thinking.  Less people will choose the credit card option, but the ones that do will net a higher level of donation. 

That’s fine.  I think we’ve proven that technology can’t change people’s hearts.  I say bring on the Salvation Army Youth.  Find those pretty girls and young studs and hand them bells.  Offer them pizza.  Make the red kettles of the 21st century the happening hangout for hip students.  Just think of the crazy lengths you went to for dates in your life.  If I was in high school again, I would feed that kettle like a pay phone in prison if I thought it might impress some hottie. 

The Salvation Army has been around since 1891 and will outlast us all.  They should change with the times.  Don’t just stop at hi-tech donation options.  Bring on the youth.  They know how to use all that new-fangled stuff anyway.  While they’re at it, maybe they should arm the bell-ringers with tasers and mace.  That should scare off losers who would assault a woman volunteer for a couple hundred bucks.