Python Hunting Season Is Here…Finally
Get ready Florida residents cause it’s that time of the year. That’s right: Python hunting season is here. Florida is a strange place with a long tradition of stranger traditions and rules. Like Forrest Gump once said, “It’s this whole other country.”
For just $26 South Florida residents can obtain a special python hunting permit. That may seem a little pricey when you consider that South Florida residents can already walk into the Everglades and suffer a horrible death enjoy nature for free.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying, “Sure fella that’s great for professional snake hunters, but what about those of us inexperienced with man-guzzling pythons?” Good question. Florida officials are one step ahead of you. They are offering workshops on how to identify, stalk, and capture deadly reptiles.
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| Some pythons will reconsider their next joy slither |
Seriously.
First off, I can probably help out with that whole “how do I identify a reptile that may end my life?” dilemma. Here are some tips. If it ain’t furry, moves quick, and hisses at you while striking, you’ve probably located something to watch out for. If a creature looks nothing like a puppy yet curls up in your garage, be leary. If you are in the Everglades, don’t trust anything that moves.
As for the whole capture thing, you may want to consult those professionals or just watch Bear Grylls capture and kill a gator in the swamp.
Now for you extra-zealous reptile hunters out there, you might be wondering why so many limitations. “Only Burmese Python season?” you say. Fret not my psychopathic friend. Also in season are fellow pythons of the Indian and African rock persuasion. I imagine the ACLU already has a lawsuit in the works for some type of reptilian discrimination. But wait there’s more! You can also take green anacondas and Nile monitor lizards. Seriously.
Bay 9 News in Florida has a constant stream of python related stories. I know this because my sister is a total Bay 9 junkie. Consider some of these stories.
- The snake overpopulation gained national attention after a 2-year-old girl was strangled to death by a python last July. That’s enough right there. Not funny. Kill them all.
- The above tragedy prompted Senator Bill Nelson to issue urgent pleas to organize a massive python hunting posse in the style of those villagers with pitchforks and torches who went after Frankenstein.
- Further law enforcement efforts include crackdowns on folks like the 19-year-old caught selling pythons on Craigslist without valid seller’s permits. Investigators found a dozen of the snakes in his home. He said he needed money. Apparently hatching, raising, and selling pythons on the internet is easier than filling out an application at Walmart.
I’m sure I’ll offend some snake owners out there, but I don’t really care unless you sick your nasty pets on me. I know some python owners are responsible, functioning members of society, but there will always be a significant flaw in many among you. A high percentage of people who actually want to own a python are incapable of a fraction of the responsibility such ownership requires. Don’t Floridians have enough problems in the wilderness around them without having to worry about some thoughtless fool forgetting to close the cage of a 15 foot killer? Let’s not forget Florida is the state that couldn’t figure out how to punch a hole in a voting card just ten years ago. And no Florida, you won’t be living that down anytime soon.
You know you live in a different part of the world when python-related violence actually has a number on the local police code. Python hunting is only the latest in a long line of strange state ordinances. We’ll explore some of the most bizarre laws in history in part 2 of this thoughtless-provoking series mockingly lovingly called “Why Florida Is Insane and Borderline Not Really A Part of the United States.”
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Life. Culture. Education.
Life as Pop Culture Professor Clay Morgan
In The Matrix, Morpheus tells Neo he can take the blue pill and go on believing whatever he wants to believe. Or he can take the red pill to stay in Wonderland and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
This is a red pill type site that provides information in an entertaining way. It’s about clear thinking and good writing. It’s about finding meaning amidst the absurd. It’s about humor and truth.
I’m a writer / speaker who teaches history and political courses at a couple of local colleges. Where is local, you say? Well, that would be Wonderland of course.
On topics ranging from pop culture to the meaning of life, my brain’s always poppin’. Take the red pill and unplug.
[...] to ridicule supermodels and athletes to feel better about themselves. While having some fun with Florida’s python hunting season, I discovered a long list of crazy laws still on the books in the Sunshine [...]