Sorry Florida: No Sex With Porcupines
Florida is easy to pick on. I think a lot of us outside the Sun Belt like to cast aspersions on states with nice weather just like a lot of folks like to ridicule supermodels and athletes to feel better about themselves. While having some fun with Florida’s python hunting season, I discovered a long list of cr
azy laws still on the books in the Sunshine State.
Some of these ordinances are more strange than disturbing. Did you know that in Miami it’s illegal for a man to wear any type of strapless gown? How about the Tampa Bay restriction that forbids eating cottage cheese after 6 p.m. on Sundays? Hard to believe isn’t it? Women can also get fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer. The salon owner gets in trouble too.
Perhaps the most inexplicable law of all is the prohibition of having sexual relations with a porcu
pine. I would love to know the true life events that led a lawmaker to feel the necessity to ban human-porcupine intercourse. Now, I am no big fan of far-reaching government controls, but I do happen to think that avoiding this type of behavior is a good idea.
Sometimes these rules are just misinterpreted. For example, some college spring breakers may totally misunderstand a Sarasota mandate that you may not catch crabs. This one’s about shellfish gang.
***
To be fair, Florida isn’t the only state with super bizarro laws. You can find ridiculous rules just about everywhere.
Alabama has a decent collection of crazy rules. I know, shocking right? Although incestuous marriages are permitted, bear wrestling matches and spitting in front of the opposit
e sex are not. That basically means you can marry your sister, just don’t spit in front of her. Also, when in Alabama be sure to never wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church, and under no circumstances are you to have an ice cream cone in your back pocket. Laugh if you want, but I think that’s good advice for ice cream lovers everywhere.
You can find some great laws on the other side of the country as well. In California, for example, it’s illegal to shoot at animals from a moving vehicle unless the target is a whale. I would love to hear the discussion that led to that one. Like we have such a whale-overcrowding issue. Did the men sitting around the table agree to the first part until they thought, “You know, that’s a good law but what if one of us finally gets a clean shot at a whale while driving down the coast?”
You can find more of these from all across our fruited plain. Indiana has its fair share, but I do think they are really handcuffing the service industry by outlawing barbers from threatening to cut off kid’s ears. How else are you supposed to get them to sit still?
You can go on like this for a while. I don’t even want to mess with Texas. Some of you shouldn’t be judgmental here though. I’m looking at you Illinois.
There’s certainly no shortage of ways to ridicule the land of Obama and Chicago. The famed political machine and ”pleasantness” of 
Chicago folks is well-feared. When Al Capone thinks it’s a nice place to settle, you may have to rethink your image. The big city folks of Illinois demonstrate kindness and generosity everyday. That is, of course, if you consider kindness not running you over and generosity not stabbing you for fun. Relax Chicago, this is the tongue-in-cheek portion. Unfortunately, I’m not making up these laws from the Land of Lincoln.
Apparently even the animals of Illinois live hard and party harder. How else can you explain the Zion, Illinois statute makin
g it illegal to give a lighted cigar to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals. At least one town outlawed the act of “making faces” at dogs. Even rats are legally protected, presumably since that word defines most Illinois politicians. In fact, you can be fined $1000 for beating rats with a baseball bat.
The city of Chicago is a world to itself. You know a city drinks heavily when giving whiskey to dogs has to be outlawed. I don’t even want to understand why it’s legal to protest in front of city hall naked as long as you’re under 17 and have permits. On a more practical note, it is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck. Also, you may never EVER attempt to eat in a pl
ace that is on fire.
Perhaps best of all is one last Illinois command that thou shalt not pee in thy neighbor’s mouth. Seriously. You may not believe me, but I find the name of the city which outlawed mouth-peeing very appropriate. Who could possibly come up with such a tasty code you ask? That would be Champaign.
I’d love to hear some more crazy laws below. You can Subscribe to my feed or connect with me on Twitter @ClayMorganPA.
Like this:
11 Comments »
Jump into the discussion!
Life. Culture. Education.
Life as Pop Culture Professor Clay Morgan
In The Matrix, Morpheus tells Neo he can take the blue pill and go on believing whatever he wants to believe. Or he can take the red pill to stay in Wonderland and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
This is a red pill type site that provides information in an entertaining way. It’s about clear thinking and good writing. It’s about finding meaning amidst the absurd. It’s about humor and truth.
I’m a writer / speaker who teaches history and political courses at a couple of local colleges. Where is local, you say? Well, that would be Wonderland of course.
On topics ranging from pop culture to the meaning of life, my brain’s always poppin’. Take the red pill and unplug.
[...] second chance post comes from this past spring when I wrote Sorry Florida, No Sex With Porcupines. I won’t be getting any Pulitzer’s but Dave Barry would be [...]
You know which state I’m curious about? West Virginia! I know several of these statutes probably apply there, too…I should know…I have relatives from Tunnelton, WV, where a time-honored activity is sitting on the porch listening to a police scanner (TRUE STORY).
Personally, I think my dog would NEVER smoke. But, I do think she’d look great with a martini in her hand. Very classy.
Oh dear, I think I may have broken that one about cottage cheese (I like to put it in my lasagna!)…fun post, Clay!
Wendy
These rules are hilarious. I too have often wondered just what aberrant behavior or quixotic cause results in these odd statutes.
Louisiana has some crazy, old rules still on the books. Methinks Mark Twain might even like it!
Damn straight you don’t wanna mess with Texas, and it’s lucky you didn’t mess with Michigan, where I come from, cuz we’s got an impressive militia there. But you can make fun of all those other flat-ass Midwestern states all you want.
I guess I did pick on the weak kids didn’t I? I don’t want to get in trouble with Texas fo sho. Also, I may be going there in July so I really got watch my back.
Texas in July?! Well, give a holla if you’re gonna be Austin so I can tell you where to find the coldest beer. You’re gonna need it…
Fun piece, Clay. I’d love to know the story behind some of these laws. That would make a great book.
I’m guessing that human-porcupine intercourse falls under the trending topic #youonlytryitonce.
And you’d be the perfect person to write that book.
I like the way you think. I had that exact same thought when I researched some of those crazy laws. Great book ideas aren’t my problem though, getting published and executing them are for now! I know your part of the country has some wild rules.