What is it about youth sports that can turn seemingly normal members of society into psychopaths? One minute you’re sitting in the bleachers enjoying a nice game of pee wee football when all of a sudden some woman from the stands is lying on the sidelines covered in blood, her nose broken by a football coach. I think I speak for middle America here when I ask the probing question: What does this have to do with spider monkeys? Let me back up.
I’ve been around youth sports for a few years now, football for 8-12 year olds in particular. Last weekend I took in the first half from the opponents sideline, just behind the other team’s coaches. After watching a season’s worth of games, I had already seen the rantings of some crazy people who are apparently justified by virtue of being football coaches. I’ve had a lot of coaches in my life. Yelling and screaming is sometimes necessary as urgent moments will arise. There is a difference, however, between intensity and psychosis. I think we’ve blurred that line a bit much.
So there I am the other day, taking in the game, when a receiver on my boy’s team catches two deep balls in a row and scores. Judging by the reaction of the sideline coach, you would’ve thought his defensive player had just lost the Super Bowl, only instead of just losing the world championship, this coach would have to be strapped naked to an outgoing missile. He looked like a crazy person. A rather large crazy person. The kids on the field were 9-years-old. Despite sitting there by myself, I made a comment which he heard. He turned and glared, a rather large glare. I held my ground and returned a Forrest Gump glare, you know the one where Jenny gets on the bus in D.C. and the psycho boyfriend looks back. It’s the kind of look that says learning disability or not, I will fight you in the middle of a Black Panther Party. Imagine if he had been coaching my boy.
That brings us to crazy parents. You know who you are. Actually, you probably don’t because many psychopaths are delusional.
How do I even set up the scene that took place in Ohio this past week? It all started at a game of the Wee Aviators of Vandalia, a suburb of Dayton. Things were said in the stands, tempers flared, a coach became involved. According to reporter Cornelius Frolik (I swear I am not making up his name or story), Coach Jeff Starnes was attacked by a crazy woman while confronting her for some nastiness toward a teenage girl.
The woman jumped on the coach’s back and started punching him in the head. According to Brian Baird, a parent accompanying the coach into the parking lot confrontation, “She jumped on him like a spider-monkey and started wailing on him.” Seriously. The situation got way out of hand when the woman’s partner, who is on dialysis, got pulled into the fracas and ended up being kicked until his pelvis broke. The coach took care of his female attacker by breaking the woman’s nose. Whether he punched her in the face or acted in self-defense is in dispute.
I’m sure the coach shouldn’t have pursued the woman and her companion out of the stadium. On the other hand, any woman who goes all spider monkey on someone in public is clearly in need of some anger management or at least a few anti-psychotics.
I never thought I would ever utter these words, but why can’t they all be more like Snoop Dogg? Once controversial, the rapper established the Snoop Youth Football League a few years ago as a way for inner city kids to have a chance at a healthy environment in youth football. Snoop, who is a major Pittsburgh Steelers fan I might add, spent the summer launching a new league in Chicago. Okay, maybe Snoop isn’t exactly the go to name in role modeling, but at least he made the decision a few years ago to give up pimping in order to spend more time with his family. That’s just good advice for all of us trying to juggle the pimping-family life balance.
I’m just saying that for all the crazies out there, many good people are also involved in sports. What a great thing that so many kids are trying to reach the Snooper Bowl instead of getting sucked into a brutal culture of gangs and violence. Sadly, stories of psycho coaches and spider monkey violence get all the headlines. You won’t read too many stories about quiet moments of encouragement and self-sacrificing mentors dedicated to giving kids a better future. To the good ones, we know you’re out there too.
But to all you crazy folks who dropped the winning touchdown in the big game or couldn’t make the cheerleading squad back in the days when tryouts existed and people actually got cut for not being good enough, you need to settle down. Quit making sports and life all about you. That’s right, I’m watching you. See this Forrest Gump glare? So zip it. Besides, my kid is better than yours.
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Do kids sports make you lose your mind? Have you ever gone spider monkey on someone? Follow me on Twitter @eduClaytion.
You know, there is only 1 coach in my son’s soccer flight that acted that way this year. These kids are 8. I was glad to see that the other coaches realized that this was coaching and learning time for the kids, and their focus was on the kids and their development in soccer.
True too many stories focus on the negative, and all coaches aren’t nuts. As far as the spider-monkey part, too many of us parents don’t appreciate any criticism of our children by others. I know that I have had to swallow some choice words when it was my son who let the kids past him to score… But it is not the super bowl, and they are only 8 with long lives ahead of them.
Thanks for the levity.
There is a whole lot of good versus the rare crazy stuff. In the middle I see a lot of unstable people, often in an assistant coach role too, who just have waaayyyy too much angst for kids. I hope you didn’t actually hear from other parents or coaches when your son didn’t make a play. That’s the kind of stuff that makes me crazy.
Yeah, sometimes sports can provoke some immature and violent behaviour..
Pease, please recheck this story. The comments printed by the news paper were one sided and by the two individual that will most likely spend time in jail. The truthful quiet mass including the patient officers that waited to announce the true story and the indictments came out later. Yes the whole thing was sad but printing the untruth is sadder and makes the authors look incompetent.
Hmm… I’m not sure what you want me to recheck. I made general observations about crazy parents and coaches including my own personal experiences. While at it, I found a story of youth sports related violence and wrote some satire that doesn’t really favor anyone. I was just after the spider monkey references.
I’m happy you stopped by but America is in trouble if this site becomes a source for news although I can’t possibly be any less reliable than the New York Times. I do satire–snarkalicious, dripping satire for entertainment purposes only. It’s just a side benefit that I’m always right about everything. As for calling me incompetent I don’t know what that word means but it sounds like a compliment so thank you.