Image via Wikipedia
Time to talk about how they’re gonna remake the Harry Potter movies. Details are hushed on whether it will be a prequel about Harry’s parents before the boy wizard was born or if they’re just going to remake Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone.
In case you think you’ve missed some major breaking news, I guess I should say that no announcements have been made outside of my imagination, but everybody knows it’s going to happen.
According to SkyMoviesHD, franchise star Daniel Radcliffe told Empire Magazine:
“I will be sad to finish the series, but I will feel a great sense of achievement when I finish the film ’cause it will be the longest shoot I will probably ever do in my career. And hopefully we’ll all stay in touch. We’ll probably all play teachers in the remakes in 30 years.”
Talk about financial security. How sweet is that? Radcliffe’s already got enough money to buy Prince William’s kidneys, but even if he somehow blows all that cash over the next three decades he can still just take a role as an aging professor in the revamped Potter series.
But why wait 30 years? They’re already talking about messing with some of my beloved 90s movies, and the first Harry Potter film was made way back in 2001. That’s a decade ago! With attention spans shorter than ever these days, most teenagers will soon forget they ever saw a movie about a young boy with magical powers that wasn’t called The Wizard.
I recently asked a current teenager what they thought about shortening attention spans. He had this to say:
“Huh?”
When I followed up about whether or not enough time has passed for a remake of the Harry Potter movies, he forgot his name and wet his pants.
So as you can see from my exhaustive research, the time is clearly now for a remake of these cherished movie treasures. That means we need to cast this sucker quick.
So I put it to you, dear reader. If the Harry Potter movies were launching next year, who would you cast in the key roles? Get creative.
Copy and past this list in your comment, replacing my ideas with whatever character suggestions you’d like to make.
Harry Potter–Michael Cera
Hermione–Mila Kunis (Why not? She’s in everything else)
Ron Weasley–Seth Green
Hagrid–Hugh Laurie (But only if he acts like Dr. House)
Dumbledore–Andy Samberg
Lord Voldemort–Charlie Sheen (This just makes sense)
Severus Snape–Colin Firth (And I’m not going for any kind of reaction here at all)
Bellatric Lestrange–Jessica Biel
Malfoy–Tom Cruise
Another character I don’t know about because I’m not as psycho knowledgeable about the Harry Potter franchise as Tyler Tarver some people–
Funny, eh! Can we just forget calling it Hogwarts and switch the name to Firthdom?
Okay, let me get down to business. I’d cast all the men but one as Colin Firth. I’d save a part for Chris Hemsworth, you know, just because I’m not *that* obsessed. Not sure he can quote Shakespeare, though. For the right, umm, something, I could overlook that.
I would play the female parts. IYKWIM.
Very funny. I guess you aren’t leaving any room for any other men to get in on the act IYKWIM. Hemsworth is pretty studly. I wouldn’t mind be-brothering him. Then I could start fights anywhere. Who would mess with me if he was my bro?
This is just awesome. Have asked DH for his opinion and he seems game. I’ll warn you in advance, there is a strong “Canadian” flavor to my/our choices. Just sayin’.
Harry Potter– DH says: Justin Long I say: Jerry O’Connell
Hermione– Megan Follows (Anne of Green Gables)
Ron Weasley– My son, Matthew. Wait, he needs to be 11? What?
Hagrid–Gerard Butler
Dumbledore–Seán McGinley or Morgan Freeman. The Canuck in me wants Seán, but dude, Morgan Freeman is awesome.
Lord Voldemort– Gary Busey (DH’s suggestion. I’m busy dying w/laughter at the visual!)
Severus Snape–Jeremy Irons.
Bellatric Lestrange– Sue from “Glee” or Margaret Atwood. Am torn.
Malfoy–Tom Cruise – leaving this because it’s hysterically perfect!
Sirius Black: Jonathan Goad (he’s DH’s cousin, former Stratford actor, guest star on “Republic of Doyle” and amazing all ’round guy. End of shameless plug-cum-name-drop)
Ginny Weasley – Nicole Kidman b/c she’s a redhead and doesn’t get along with Malfoy!
These are great! Justin Long is a strong pick. Gerard Butler as Hagrid is hilarious. Freeman, Busey, indeed. Well played.
Casting Hugh Laurie is genius!
I like Liz’s suggestion of Gary Busey…except he’s super scary in real life. I wouldn’t actually want to be in the same room with him ever again.
Can we squeeze Steve Buscemi in there somehow? Dobby maybe?
I think now is a good time to start. Just keep a rotation going.
Okay, I either missed or am forgetting the part where you met Gary Busey. Thoughts? And Buscemi is in.
I kinda met him at Horrorfind last year when I met Ted Raimi. I was too scared to actually say hello, but I was like 5 feet away from him.
Horrorfind is in Gettysburg in Sept. You should go.
Gettysburg? I might have to look this thing up!
Ok, Buscemi as Dobby is hilarious..
Oh, I don’t feel right playing since I really don’t know the HP characters all that well (don’t kill me, I’ve been waiting to watch them all together…yea, that’s it!). Regardless, I loved your post and agree – they’ll do something too soon and ruin it.
I’ll never judge. Besides, I never read one of the books and haven’t even caught the last 2 movies yet. Thanks for reading!
Frankly, I don’t think they should just be remakes. I’d like either a mini-series that includes all the humour and minor characters that were left out of the films or perhaps a TV series about the adventures of Fred and George Weasley.
Hi Glen, glad you stopped by. I could definitely see a TV offshoot in the UK like that.
I say Rowan Atkinson doing his evil headmaster schtick as Snape…they missed that opportunity the first time around.
Love it!
All I have to say is I’m still laughing at Charlie Sheen as Lord Voldemort, and they should try to work Chris Rock in somewhere.
Ha! Chris Rock definitely needs a home at Hogwarts. He could be that scary looking janitor dude.
I can’t believe you aren’t drinking the cultural phenomenon Kool-Aid that is Harry Potter. Shame on you. Professor McGonagall is smiling down from Heaven on Tyler Tarver as we speak. She’s not dead? Doesn’t matter.
I’m not even sure what most of your comment means. That’s why everyone likes you so much.
I’m not lying. I read this as soon as you put it up. I stood at your gates with bated breath, until your “3 minutes” came and it was up. I have been thinking and thinking and pondering and thinking. Here it is. My cast.
Harry Potter–Titus Tarver
Hermione–Emma Stone
Ron Weasley–Andy Samberg
Hagrid–Brad Pitt
Dumbledore–Will Smith
Lord Voldemort–Charlie Sheen (you just freaking nailed it)
Severus Snape–Akiva Shauffer
Bellatric Lestrange–Jessica Alba
Malfoy–Chris Evans
Clay, I think we may be brothers. Granted, you’re cooler and don’t have to deal with the Department of Education, but brothers none-the-less.
I knew you would be the muggle to put things into perspective around here. Titus Tarver as HP is a strong selection. That kid’s been groomed for big things. Weird coincidence–I considered Chris Evans too. Glad you got Pitt on board. And I don’t have the Dept. of Educ, but I got all the same college nonsense. I think we are brothers too, and I’m sorry* that mom loves me more.
*not really
In reading this and the suggestions I have realized I have no idea who the “in” actors are anymore. If they didn’t act before 2003, I have no idea who they are.
Now if the movie was cast 20 years ago, I could totally give you suggestions….
Do it. Kelly, you are the one who needs to cast Harry Potter–80s style. Guest Post? Okay, I just talked myself into it. I’ll do it if you don’t. Actually, I’ll still do it even if you do.
I had the same response as Kelly K. so I keep thinking, what if I wanted to do an all-black cast remake of Harry Potter. I guess I got stuck on the Chris Rock thing.
Will Smith would have to be in there as Harry’s deceased father — and his son would, of course, be the black Harry Potter. Morgan Freeman could be Dumbledore. Samuel L. Jackson could be Snape. (I think we have to keep Denzel out of this. I love him too much to get all special effectsy with him to make him Hagrid. Can sports figures weigh in? There are a lot of bad-looking black sports dudes.) Could the ghost of Michael Jackson be Lord Voldemort? Or is that too creepy? I can’t believe I don’t know any really young black, female actors. Wow, I guess that says a lot about who is not being cast in Hollywood, eh?
That’s great. And I actually considered Will Smith’s son as Harry Potter. If I were doing the casting for real I think he’d be a finalist. Samuel L. Jackson as Snape is the best!
The Wizard! Now there’s a magical movie. A kid whose only word is “California” ends up beating the best Nintendo players in America at a national video game championship. The way the announcer called his name…”Jim-my….Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy….WOODS!” I still say that whenever I talk to someone named Jimmy. The scene with the Power Glove was pretty intense, but nothing beat the unveiling of Super Mario Bros. 3, which no one (at least in America) had seen before then. Little Jimmy’s “Link” character blasting past the other two contestants’ “Link” characters in the points meter was one of the highlights of 1989, when the movie was released, and Daniel Radcliffe was about 5 months old.
But I digress. Harry Potter? In 2000 I picked up a copy of The Chamber of Secrets while shopping at Linens ‘n’ Things – I believe it was filed under “Things” – read a few pages, but never got further than that. Ellie Soderstrom admonished me on Twitter a few months ago to read all the books, but maybe I’ll just wait for the remake of the movies to come out, especially if the movies star Colin Firth, who was superb in the BBC/PBS mini-series remake of “Pride and Prejudice” as the arrogant but heroic Mr. Darcy.
If you and I ever meet and have lunch I’m pretty sure we’ll end up talking for 17 straight hours until loved ones put us into pop culture rehab. I haven’t read the books either. But you gotta watch out for Ellie. She’s secretly a ninja.
Mr Kaplow you must. Read. Them!! I shall nag you until you do.
Clay- this whole post was SO funny, I was giggling when you mentioned your attention span research. Ha!
I’m laughing at you and Mark’s controversy. Glad you had fun
I would humble some actors while at the same time giving others a little bit of the glory, a little limelight if you will. And obviously I switched dumbledore and voldy simply because it’s just good ole fashioned fun.
Harry Potter–Matthew Lewis (old neville-> let’s face it. the kid is now worthy of hero status)
Hermione–Evanna Lynch (old luna)
Ron Weasley–Robert Pattinson (old cedric/aka that pansy eddie cullen)
Hagrid–Alan Rickman (old snape/ i feel he should have appreciated hagrid more throughout the series)
Dumbledore–Ralph Fiennes (old lord voldy)
Lord Voldemort– the Beast Michael Gambon (old/new dumbledore depending on your view)
Severus Snape–Danny Radcliffe (if you don’t know who this is, I can’t help you)
Bellatric Lestrange–Emma Watson (old Hermione)
Malfoy–Rubert Grint (old Ron)
Sweet Jordan! I like how you mixed it up. That actually could work in 30 years when they do the remake.
Harry Potter remake, okay. Harry Potter prequel? Shudders.
Yeah, prequels can be pretty bad. (See Star Wars for examples).
How funny, Clay.
Harry Potter – Chris Evans, because he’s nice to look at and he’s not young enough to be my . . . nephew. Yea, that’s it.
Hermione – Good call with Mila Kunis, and I think she needs to do it with her natural accent.
Ron – He can still be Rupert Grint. No one does the “I’m about to barf slugs” face like he does, and he’s sure to be available for the work.
Nice call with Snape.
Thanks for the laugh, Clay. And I hope I never see a Harry Potter remake. That’s just messed up.
Chris Evans seems to be a popular choice. Captain America eh? A remake is messed up indeed.
Mrs Dim and I always had our fingers crossed for twenty four-part TV series adaptations of the books, giving the proper scope and time for each plot. Run ‘em on Sunday afternoons from september, and we can curl up in front of a roaring fire with tea and crumpets, while Rowling Magic unfolds on the box. That’s wizard!
Ah, a fan can dream eh?
Hahaha “So as you can see from my exhaustive research” and your cast list haha… this post made my uni lecture entertaining!