Have you ever walked by a conversation in progress and heard a strange snippet of whatever those people were talking about?
Walk past this guy and who knows what you're gonna hear.
A couple of ladies walked past me the other day as one said to the other “…so we just went ahead and used the mouse bacteria anyway…”
I laughed because it reminded me of all the random things I’ve said while strangers walk past me. When somebody is about to pass you in public, the idea is to calmly mention something completely ridiculous no matter what you’re talking about with someone.
Here a few examples of things to say if you want to mess with random passers by.
~*~*~*~
The long and short of it is that he couldn’t get that squirrel fox out of his trousers for darn near an hour…
If that’s the way you want it then you should know about the herpes scare from last year’s Christmas party…
Who would of thought the terrorists were passing messages through old reruns of The Facts of Life…
I’m serious. I would absolutely take Cloris Leachman over Megan Fox…
Her name is Mildred Skeedlepinkus and she’ll take care of you know who for good…
So I says “threaten to cut off my support all you want dad, I’m going to rid the planet of black licorice with or without you.”
~*~*~*~
I know a lot of funny people who can come up with some great lines for this setting, but one man seemed perfectly suited for the task. His name is Paul, he’s one of the funniest humans I’ve never met, and he writes hilarious stuff over at The Good Greatsby.
When I asked Paul what he thought of this idea of messing with strangers he told me that he had been doing this for years already. That didn’t surprise me. I swear I would think Paul and I were soulmates if his name was Kate Beckinsale and he looked exactly like Kate Beckinsale.
And now for your reading pleasure, a word from Paul.
I’ve always tried to keep a few sentences prepared for when people pass me on the street or approach while I’m talking about something private.
…and you didn’t expect anyone would remember the two guys carrying a rug out of the building thirty seconds after hearing gunshots…
…everyone shouts ‘surprise’, the lights come on, and you’ll never believe who’s standing on the coffee table, naked as the day god made him…
…and when the spaceship dropped me back on earth, the Super Bowl was still on TV and I realized no earth time had passed at all…
…but when you say parts of Star Wars are based on a true story, which parts do you mean?
That’s the most racist thing I’ve ever heard. (If I’m talking to my wife.)
…but when the song ended, the bear stopped dancing and just went crazy, must have eaten four or five kids–including the birthday boy–before the tranquilizer…
…so I kill him and take his parachute, but when I try and put it on I realized, not only was I already wearing a parachute, but we weren’t actually falling through the air—just really drunk at the airport bar…
…and I’m like, ‘Next time you stab a man in the back and leave him for dead, you better make sure you take his teleportation device…’
Overthrow the government? And replace it with what?
…but after two or three days Dan still hadn’t come up for air and throwing him in the lake started to seem less and less funny…
~*~*~*~
Love to hear from you. Give us your best off the wall statement(s). Then go subscribe to Paul and follow him on Twitter!
Too too funny. And Paul *is* perfect for this. I’m killing myself. Star Wars? Racist? Usurping the throne? Bwahaha.
Years ago, my brother and I talked about doing some sort of pseudo-documentary on random lines passers-by say. (He was an amateur film guy at the time). But like the mouse bacteria, that discussion disappeared.
And yes.
I was dying too when I read this. The racist one to the wife is hilarious.
….but I know he really loves me. The restraining order is just to keep up appearances with his other wives.
Good one!
I love these! Where have you been hiding out Good Greatsby! I have the same sick humor and will have to try a few of these.
But you know me; I just panicked, grabbed the microphone and said, “Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!”
Warning Susie, now that you’ve discovered Greatsby he’ll take over your life. It’s a complicated system of hacking people through his blog.
Oh, hack away- please! Hahaha!
This reminds me of Chicago. Every time Danica and I were talking, one lady, I think Janice, kept overhearing the strangest parts of the conversations!!! And we didn’t even plan it!
I was being good since we only just met. Next time the MacGregor gang gets together we’ll stir up lotsa trouble.
Spoken in a New York Italian accent…”Would you like that calamari with an index finger or pinky?”
I love how the New York just randomly comes out at times!
Love this idea! I’m honestly surprised my friends and I have never tried this before.
…well, Hef kept calling and calling so I decided to go back to the mansion and give our love another chance. I’m sure he’d never cheat on me.
Haha, good one Leigh. This is especially fun for Psych fans.
Two of my favorite bloggers together in one post? It’s like the blog equivalent of a Reese’s peanut butter cup!
I’ve done something like this before, too. Most of the time while at a table in a restaurant when I think another table is eavesdropping.
“I hear the demand for black market babies is skyrocketing.”
“Oh, I had my tail removed years ago . . .”
” . . . and if that doesn’t work, you can always try nailing a squirrel heart to his door.”
” . . . but, I suppose that’s what I get for finding a gynocologist on Craigslist.”
Okay, I better stop there. I can see this going downhill very easily.
But Amy, if there’s anybody who would actually be talking about such odd topics, it would be you.
Oh, Paul. Flattery will get you everywhere!
You continue to crack me up Amy. If Paul and I together is like a Reese’s peanut butter cup I just want to go on record as being the peanut butter.
Those are all utterly FANTASTIC.
Utterly sounds like a good thing. Thanks for reading Amanda
My husband and I used to go for runs on this nature trail back when we were dating and whenever we would approach strangers we would switch our conversation to something along the lines of him talking me out of being a stripper. This was hilarious until a couple ran past us and I realized they were the office managers of the local YoungLife chapter I was being trained under.
So, so smooth.
Ha! Extra funny points for you as you know I worked for Young Life once upon a time. And for all you kids who are courting out there, try this. If your significant other doesn’t get it then you probably don’t have compatible humor. Just something to consider.
I overheard this riding the NYC subway this morning on the downtown 2 train:
Woman # 1: She is totally crazy. What am I gonna do?
Woman # 2: You better not let her know you know she’s crazy. Cuz then the craziness just gets spiteful.
PS – I’ve had some suspicions that you and GG are actually the same person. Do you own any smoking jackets, Clay?
I had no idea anyone out there was closing in with suspicion!
Hilarious stuff.
….I told Ethel you can’t dry out a dog in a microwave, but she went and put Poochy in there anyway and BOOM…
…naw, she didn’t think going to a gun show was such a great first date. Go figure…
…well the next thing you know, she gets all pissy and tries to blame me for losing the keys to the handcuffs…
….it’s one thing to get your tongue stuck to a frozen flagpole, but that’s a whole ‘nother level of stupid…
Of course, all of these should be said with a good southern drawl, like I have. ~clink~
Great Kerry! And I always read you in a southern drawl. Takes me twice as long to get through your comments
LOL – autocorrect doesn’t allow for slang evidently. ‘nother, not mother.
Along the same lines, I like to occasionally make purchases at Wal-mart. Late at night when the lines are slow. And I get stuff that might mess with the cashier’s head. My husband has always wanted to go through the line with motor oil, a rubber chicken, clothesline and a box of condoms. We’re not THAT brave yet. Nor do we need another rubber chicken.
That’s hilarious! Sounds like a whole other blog post. Thanks for commenting.
“… but he wishes he could take back the 25 years he spent as a male prostitute.”
“… no, I’m not too concerned. It’s not likely they’ll discover the bodies of my ex-husbands buried back in Minneapolis.”
What a delightful, hilarious post for Friday! I do love funny people. I’m so happy that I know a few.
Prostitution and murder are always winners. Thanks for jumping in!
As always Paul killed it. Funny stuff. How about… after scratching your back my fingers nails now have a rash.
…I guess what I’m trying to say Billy is that sometimes you’ll pay for where you put that finger…
Hey lads, love this post. I may be just an actress, but I don’t mind helping the writers once in a while. Who do you think came up with the idea of throwing that glove on John Cusack’s face?
My entries:
…the thing about deer is that you never know when they’re going to attack. Didn’t you see that YouTube video? Actually, I think they pulled it ‘cuz of the violence — the guy’s heart had been ripped out and left punctured on one of its points. You could see it still beating…
…so there we are, me trying to calm down the donkey trying to scramble out of the hole while Steve is beating the chain with a hammer, but the rats kept getting in the way, and the water’s rising. That’s when I told him we should have just called Roto-Rooter…
…there’s got to be like a dozen people in front of us. No, I mean I *really* hate standing in line. Reminds me of when I was on the inside, lining up for some slop the cook probably puked in — don’t tell my parole officer but I shivved the guy in front of me just to get the last of the peas. Sure glad I wasn’t in the joint for long — my barrister got me off on that technicality. Heh, heh, well, 37 technicalities, I guess, right? One for each of them… Say, do you have a pen?
Love,
Kate
PS – Sorry Clay, I just can’t resist smoking jackets. But you’re a close second — love to be friends? Ta for now!
Okay, you had me laughing a lot, but I’m calling fake kate! The real Kate wouldn’t brush me aside so easily, not after all we’ve shared together.
Hilarious as always, Mr. Johnson!
I’ve a couple (and indeed thought of doing a post of my own):
“Why are we eating calamari at this bris?”
————
“You know, I don’t understand. All I did was get her a Lane Bryant gift certificate. Now she won’t take my calls.”
————-
“It’s a hoe down.”
“Who shot my sister?”
Yeah, Lane Bryant probably not the best way to go there.
I so want to have lunch with Paul. Who wouldn’t. I’ll work on my dead-serious, completely straight-face until then.
By the way, did you hear about what happened at the Rosenblitts son’s circumcision? It was positively ghastly…
Something tells me you’re pretty easy to get laughing.
Wait. Did you just call me easy?
I love the old “chat with the doctor” approach: “No. No. I said it ITCHES and it’s STICKY. Yes. STINKY like tree sap. Also it makes me smell like a crab cake.”
Ah! Good one Tori. And frightening.
Okay, here’s a couple that have actually come up in conversation with my brother, because me and my brother are a little off…
“Wait, hold on, I thought Phoenix WAS a third-world country…”
“…oh come on, who’s ever heard of Death by Orca before anyway?”
“…and the elephants started dancing on their way out of the room to the sound of Hari Krishna cymbals playing…”
You know it may seem that way–being in the desert and all–but Phoenix is actually the sixth most populous city in the good ole USofA. Who’da thought, right? Phoenix in the top ten cities. But it is, it is.
Paul is a funny guy and I should know. I’ve been subscribing to his blog for years, ever since he was 5 years old. You should have heard the things he said then. Pretty hysterical, if you ask me. He could do a whole series on these one liners, alone! I especially love the last one, about throwing Dan in the lake. That is so Paul! Glad to have discovered your blog, too. Pretty cool.
I’m glad you discovered me too. Now we’ve discovered each other together. Wait, that sounds awkward.
I stole my favorite from Men In Black II – “…for me, it’s definitely missionary.”
Great point Larry. Movie lines work very well in these situations.
“I heard Clay was out with Kate while GG filled in for him on his blog…”
Shh…I mean, you can’t prove that.
My go to move is usually “That’s how a bill becomes a law”
But I also love the “You got diarrhea from eating your cat’s food?”
Yes! The old Chandler Bing from Friends. I use that in my classroom when administrators walk by and I need to sound academic.
Love the topic today, guys! Now, let’s see….
“That’s why I told him to bake it first. No one, but no one likes cold dolphin..”
“If that’s true, that would make your mother your cousin…”
Nice Paige. That last one would work really well in certain states, but I’m not going to say which ones
Ha! Fabulous. You’re both hilarious. This one’s good for restaurants, especially if you work there:
“…But just because he SAID he disposed of the evidence, do you really think he put it in the salad bar?”
You could do a whole funny series just along the restaurant theme. Good to see ya Jules.
You guys work great together. This is so Smothers Brothers. Is there a dumb one?
Loved “So I says “threaten to cut off my support all you want dad, I’m going to rid the planet of black licorice with or without you.” and GG’s “…but when the song ended, the bear stopped dancing and just went crazy, must have eaten four or five kids–including the birthday boy–before the tranquilizer…
I don’t so much invent bizarre conversations for people to overhear when I’m out n’ about, so much as I just mutter excitedly to myself, pitching every 4th or 5th word higher in volume, accompanied by simultaneously lifted arm movements, followed by a quick drop down, walking in zig-zags with arms glued to my sides.. Keep your head down for this one – it improves the overall effect.
Some key words you might want to heighten with a little “Pep!” or a squeeky “Oink!” are: “Flat face flat face!”, also “Butt Pepper!” and of course, the ever popular “Sector 5. Sector 5.”
I wouldn’t say there’s a dumb one. I’m smarter and more charming, but I also got the looks too.
I usually go with, “… So, then she said he … [pretends to notice the eavesdropper is listening] oh, shhhh, he’s listening.”
This one actually happened to a friend of mine when we worked together at a grocery store. She was ringing a customer through (I was bagging the groceries), and the customer said “Oh, Sara– that’s such a pretty name”. Blah blah blah blah— We both zoned out while the lady’s groceries were scanned and bagged, but then we both tuned back in to hear the lady say “… and that’s why there’s so many problems in the Middle East these days”.
No clue what happened in between those two lines.
Overthrow the government? Better than an underthrow, with its greater chance of interception.
Ha! Hilarious!
Next time a passerby walks by I’ll casually say:
“…that’s when I realized it wasn’t my husband I was kissing.”
“…I prefer unicorn forelock hair to the coarser tail hairs, improves quality of the magic…”
“…you spent HOW MUCH on that crate of grenades?”
“…which is why I’ll never eat at Applebees, seeing where they keep their raw meat.”
“…and that was the first time I got herpes.”
I think I heard this one from a comedian’s podcast or something… “Dude, you know you’re not suppose to hit women, right?!”
Really turns heads if you’re in a bar trying to pick up the ladies. Smooth…
As I mention in GG’s comments, our line that we used regularly in grad school was “And then he lost a testicle!”
One of my friends is fond of waiting until we’re in a small, crowded space, like an elevator, and asking me if I’ve seen a doctor yet about “that social disease”. The first couple of times she did it, I just called her a jerk. Then one day I just turned to her and said, “I will as soon as you pony up the money, since it WAS yours first, after all.”
The one that I want to try someday and which I heard on Frazier is “So just how DID you get that through customs?” Though it might be slightly more disturbing if it were more like, “So how did you finally get it out after you snuck it past customs?”
A squirrel fox? So that’s what the kids are calling it these days.
Yesterday I heard two girls talking right before they hopped in their car: “Want to go get a drink? I have 2 dollars.” Apparently, I’ve been going to the wrong place for Happy Hour.
Haha, did you go through a time warp?
I hear absurd things every day on campus in the little snippets. I’ve even thought about making an add-on story of them all.
Sounds like a good topic. I had a spirited discussion Friday with my Pitt students about what they thought about Penn State students and the disaster there. So you hear all kinds of stuff, some good, some absurd.
Love! Favorite ones (Paul) racist wife and overthrow the gov’t and replace it with what. (Clay) Facts of Life and Cloris Leachman (those two go hand-in-hand).
(Mine) “…well, I didn’t believe him of course so I looked at the back of the enema box and, sure enough, that’s where it goes…”
“…damn right I know why the government’s bugging my kids’ treehouse. Their little “Keep Out, This Means You, Mom” club has been working with the Taliban for years…”
“…I’m not going to sit here and listen to this crap anymore about you being a bigger Scott Baio fan than me. You keep talking Charles in Charge and you don’t even know who Chachi is…”
Good ones Angie!
Unbridled hilarity!