As a professor of government and politics, people expect me to have my finger on the pulse of things like the current election cycle. After feeling around with said finger I’ve determined that all of these mainstream candidates are lifeless. But now I’ve found a pair I can support.
Piper Bayard and Kristen Lamb are not only candidates for office, they’re also friends and, if everything works out, will be letting me shoot guns in Texas later this year. So when I discovered that they were running for office I did what any friend of a political candidate would do–asked for a job.
So you’re reading the words of the future United States Secretary of EduClaytion. The fabulous femmes are here today to talk about our plans to take over the country and fix stuff. Let’s get to the interview.
1. Let’s start with the important stuff. As Secretary of Education, how many interns do I get?
Considering the precedent set in the Clintonian Era for the meaning of the word intern, we believe we should throw out that euphemism and simply call it what it is. Your harem. That way they can’t sue for sexual harassment because the job description is accurate. Our people are contacting Kate Beckinsale’s and Emily Blunt’s people even as we type. We’re sure they will volunteer for the job since they are both reputed to have crushes on you, and they’re used to the attention that will come with the job.
2. Well, it’s one of the top issues that my college students always want to discuss, so let me put it to you. What do you think of legalizing pot?
Considering the fact that this nation is facing an obesity crisis, legalizing a drug that will have them eating ice cream from the carton with no utensils and coming up with new ways to use a Fry Daddy at 2 a.m. might be a bad idea. We will table that discussion until at least 85% of the population regains a healthy Body Mass Index.
3. You know that pop culture is very important to me and a key tool for education. So help us understand your pop culture platform by answering the following questions:
a. If you were to select a fictional character as Secretary of Defense, who would it be and why?
Wolverine. He doesn’t put up with any BS, and he’s the one who resembles Holmes most closely.
b. What would be a good movie line or two to drop in a campaign speech?
“Bad men love their mommas, too,” from 3:10 to Yuma. That would be to garner the felon vote since we are actually women who take care of our own children and bake cookies without a team to teach us how. *cough, cough, Hillary, cough, cough* We’re aware that felons are not allowed to vote, but, like our Canadian constituents, we’re encouraging them to register in Chicago.
“Because when everybody’s special, no one is,” from The Incredibles. We’ve turned into this politically correct nation of people pleasers who don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. That is not reality. If we were running for president/vice president of Fantasia, that might be different, but in the American reality, being respectful does not equate being spineless and self-deprecating. With increased globalization, our children have more competition than ever before. We need to make them stronger than ever before. Strength comes with the exercise of character and skills and the honest evaluation of those skills. Sometimes that honesty hurts. As Kristen says, excellence begins with honesty.
c. If you were to initiate a new method of torturing terrorists similar to what they did to that sicko in A Clockwork Orangeand were going to make bad people watch awful movies with their eyelids forced open, what are a couple of the worst movies ever to use?
Anything with Jane Fonda or Paris Hilton in a starring role would be a good start. Also use Waterworld, and don’t let them take any bathroom breaks.
d. There’s a lot of talk about how Mitt Romney looks presidential. But I think the American people really need to know which cartoon animal looks most presidential.
Wile E. Coyote. Especially after he’s just had something blow up in his face.
4. You ladies are running on the touching slogan of “Finally, a pair in the White House.” I’m reminded of the play Lysistrata by the ancient writer Aristophanes in which the women of the land withheld sex from their mates in order to bring about an end to war. Do you think a sex boycott will help us achieve world peace or would it really just make everyone want to kill each other more?
As married women, we are fully aware of how compliant men can be after a good dinner and some marital relations. We would use this knowledge to bring about world peace.
The fact is that there are far more men than women in many of the aggressive regions of the world (i.e. China and the Middle East). It’s the reason they are more aggressive in the first place. What else are those rutting young bucks going to do besides fight?
In addition to Piper’s plan on How Latinas Can End Jihad, we would once again turn to the wealth of resources available to us on reality TV shows. Instead of having one man choose among twenty women, giving them roses, we would give each lady a rose and offer them plane tickets to China or Dubai, where they will each have twenty men competing for their attention . . . as we think it should be. We believe that if you’re vying for the attention of a hot babe, then you don’t have time to plant IED’s.
5. In attempting to balance the budget, what do you feel about the revolutionary strategy of not spending craploads of money on useless stuff all the time?
As women who clean our own houses, we are 100% in favor of that strategy.
6. Give me a couple ideas as to how you would expect me to lead a charge to make our public education system not so, um, terrible.
First refer to the quote from The Incredibles above.
Then, we would have you dismantle the Department of Education until all that’s left is a Recruiting and Facilities Office, a Teaching Department, and a few folks to manage the Youth Exchange Program.
The billions of dollars wasted every year by the Department of Education on micromanaging America’s local school districts to everyone’s detriment would be better spent recruiting competent teachers and building more schools. The Recruiting and Facilities Office would be charged with this task.
As for the Teaching Department, how can the Department of Education call itself a Department of Education when it offers no educational materials? The Teaching Office would be responsible for developing a solid K-12 curriculum and making teaching aids for that curriculum available online to assist all students and home-schooling parents who are more interested in actually learning or teaching their children than in holding hands and singing Kumbayah in the annual Save the Whales and Build Self Esteem While Learning Politically Correct but Practically Useless Information Day.
The Youth Exchange Program would provide an outlet for all of those kids who don’t actually want to be in school and only serve to hold back the ones who do. Those wannabe thugs who don’t understand that education is a privilege would be traded to third world countries in exchange for children who dream of getting an education as they are walking five miles every day for a bucket of water.
7. Finish this joke: How many politicians does it take to screw in a…?
Generally, the last words in that question would be “light bulb,” but it’s been shown that politicians can’t screw in light bulbs. The only things they have been proven to screw are interns, men in bathrooms, prostitutes, mistresses, and the American taxpayers. [Ed. Note: Hey-o!]
We’d like to thank Clay for hosting us today. Clay is awesome, and it’s been an honor.
If you would like to host a Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign Blog Tour stop, please contact Piper at firstname.lastname@example.org, and we would love to visit.