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AFC North Blotter

April 13, 2010 in News, Sports with 0 Comments

For the love of the Chief.  What would Art Rooney say if he saw his beloved franchise piling up more citations than a frat house fight club.  The Pittsburgh Steelers were once the cleanest cut of all sports franchises.  Now, they’ve spiraled into a police blotter laughingstock. 

Maybe they’ve been brought down by the company they keep.  The AFC North division of the NFL continues to produce some of professional football’s finest idiots.  I’m surprised the league hasn’t realigned to get the Oakland Raiders in with the Cincinnati Bengals, Baltimore Ravens, Cleveland Brown, and em’ Stillers.    

 If you ignore these stories, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger just dodged another legal bullet yesterday when the DA in the case announced no charges would be filed over allegations of sexual assault.  In the meantime, Super Bowl MVP receiver Santonio Holmes got in more trouble for smoking more weed (among other things) and proved that winning doesn’t make you mature when he posted messages to the public which might as well have said, “Dear Steelers, please get rid of me as soon as possible for being such a complete…”  You get the idea.  These events come on the heels of over two years of other legal problems for players Jeff Reed, James Harrison, and Cedrick Wilson.  

Let me be clear about Big Ben first.  He is not guilty of anything more than terrible judgment.  The showboating DA made this point repeatedly and inappropriately during the press conference to announce there would be no trial because there was no evidence and the alleged victim and her family were adamantly against even filing in the first place.  So Ben is innocent of criminality but guilty of stupidity.  College was fun and all, but what is an internationally-known super-millionaire doing in a college bar in Georgia?    

I wish he would talk to Continue Reading…

Python Hunting Season Is Here…Finally

March 9, 2010 in News with 1 Comment

Get ready Florida residents cause it’s that time of the year.  That’s right: Python hunting season is here.  Florida is a strange place with a long tradition of stranger traditions and rules.  Like Forrest Gump once said, “It’s this whole other country.”

For just $26 South Florida residents can obtain a special python hunting permit.  That may seem a little pricey when you consider that South Florida residents can already walk into the Everglades and suffer a horrible death enjoy nature for free.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re saying, “Sure fella that’s great for professional snake hunters, but what about those of us inexperienced with man-guzzling pythons?”  Good question.  Florida officials are one step ahead of you.  They are offering workshops on how to identify, stalk, and capture deadly reptiles. 

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Some pythons will reconsider their next joy slither

Seriously.

First off, I can probably help out with that whole “how do I identify a reptile that may end my life?” dilemma.  Here are some tips.  If it ain’t furry, moves quick, and hisses at you while striking, you’ve probably located something to watch out for.  If a creature looks nothing like a puppy yet curls up in your garage, be leary.  If you are in the Everglades, don’t trust anything that moves. 

As for the whole capture thing, you may want to consult those professionals or just watch Bear Grylls capture and kill a gator in the swamp.

Now for you extra-zealous reptile hunters out there, you might be wondering why so many limitations.  “Only Burmese Python season?” you say.  Fret not my psychopathic friend.  Also in season are fellow pythons of the Indian and African rock persuasion.  I imagine the ACLU already has a lawsuit in the works for some type of reptilian discrimination.  But wait there’s more!  You can also take green anacondas and Nile monitor lizards.  Seriously.

Bay 9 News in Florida has a constant stream of python related stories.  I know this because my sister is a total Bay 9 junkie.  Consider some of these stories. Continue Reading…

Students On Strike

March 5, 2010 in Education, News with 2 Comments

College students across 32 states skipped classes yesterday.  Well, that actually happens everyday, but yesterday they had a purpose beyond sleeping in.  These motivated matriculators are protesting budget cuts, employee layoffs, and increasing costs which damage the quality of education.  I think.  It’s also possible they just wanted get out of class.  Also their teachers might just be offering them extra credit for making so much noise to administrators.

Students from all walks of life participated in the chaotic movement.  See them as you want to see them but student protestors include athletes…and basket cases…and princesses…and maybe even a criminal.  Whoever they are, they better not mess with the bull or they’ll get the horns.

One witness reportedly heard the following exchange yesterday.

UPTIGHT TOP BRASS AUTHORITY FIGURE:  “What was that ruckus?”

FAST-THINKING ANGST-RIDDEN STUDENT: “Uh, what ruckus?”

UTBAF: “I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus.”

F-TA-RS: “Could you describe the ruckus sir?”

And so it went until the hard-nosed administrator threatened to “crack skulls” if the demonstrators persisted.

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The walkouts ranged from coast to coast.  Students from CUNY to the University of Washington participated in the nationwide “March 4th National Day of Action for Public Education.”  Their goal was to shut down campuses for half a day in protest of rising tuition costs and supporting educational workers.  Another problem seems to be that tuition is going up as scholarship opportunities go down.

In a USA Today article on the student rally, Maryland junior Jon Berger was quoted as saying:

“We’re seeing more classes taught by adjuncts and grad students who aren’t getting paid (fairly).  We’re seeing larger class sizes, and some kids in certain majors … can’t get all the courses they need in four years.” Continue Reading…

Nasty (Bacon) Bits & Pieces

November 16, 2009 in News with 2 Comments

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez told his people last week they better lose some weight if their glorious revolution is to be successful.  ”There are lots of fat people,” said the not-so-svelte tyrant.  He explained the solution during a televised speech.  “Doing sit-ups. Eating well. One has to learn how to eat.”

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Will Michael Moore heed the diet call of his buddy Chavez?

So what does a good revolutionary eat?  Soy milk and rice pasta for starters.  Such healthy dishes make Chavez feel “ready to continue commanding the Bolívarian revolution”.  Unfortunately, most Venezuelans prefer coke, beer, and fried pork. 

I’m sure the fact that Chavez is calling his people fat has nothing to do with their love for American-style food products.  I’m further confident this speech has nothing to do with coming restrictions on the lives of Venezuelans.  Riiiigggghhhht.

In other news this past week, pigs may not be as stupid as we thought.  Actually, let’s face it, no one cares about how smart pigs might be except for misguided researchers intent on wasting millions of dollars so we can figure out how smart our food might be before it walks to slaughter.  A study on pig cognition has shown that pigs must be quick learners.  Wanna know what it is to lead an empty life?  Become a scientific researcher that doesn’t benefit society no matter how “successful” they ever become.  I wonder if this is a government-funded (our tax money) project.

Speaking of fat pigs, Rosie O’Donnell was back in the news last week.  I guess pigs aren’t that smart after all.  She managed to chortle out a couple swears before dropping an F bomb on Fallon’s audience.  By the way, Fallon loses a ton of cred in my book for appearing to be so happy about her.  I thought we knew you better Jimmy. 

Rosie’s lone positive contribution to society is that she didn’t ruin A League Of Their Own.  I still can’t believe she played Betty Rubble, beloved cartoon of my youth.  She makes Miss Piggy look like Marilyn Monroe.  I never thought twice about Miss Nasty until I happened to catch her ambushing Tom Selleck on her doomed show back in 1999.  She’s been an abject failure ever since.

Maybe they can send some of these fools to the moon.  According to NASA, there’s plenty of water there for them to drink.  You may remember back on October 9th when some hopeful observers stood on their front porch or lawn to see the Lcross Centuar make impact with the moon.  Apparently you can’t see a car crash 250,000 miles away.  Shocker.  Continue Reading…

20th Anniversary Of The Wall’s Fall: Thanks For Playing Communism

November 9, 2009 in History, News with 4 Comments

Let’s see if I can slip one past the censors here like Adrian Cronauer in Good Morning Vietnam.  The Berlin Wall–the very symbol of the Cold War between capitalism and communism–came down twenty years ago today.  You won’t hear too much about this monstrously historic day from media types hell-bent on leading America towards some of the same failed ideas symbolized by that wall.  You also won’t hear about it from President Obama who is skipping the international celebration of the event!  What?

Well, forgive me if I’d like to celebrate the failure of the Soviet Union and the victory, yes victory, of America and the free world in the Cold War led by President Reagan.  Such statements may shock your American sensibilities, so let’s check in on Europe where they are prominently celebrating this historic anniversary, the commemoration of the day freedom won out, when our open system conquered the veiled evil, yes evil, of the Soviet’s communist empire. 

The Berlin celebration will balance glitz with sobriety.  World leaders such as British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, French President Sarkozy, Russian President Medvedev, and more will be there to speak.  Yet Obama won’t.  As the German news publication Der Spiegel put it, “Barrack is too busy.” 

Obama has already made more international trips in his first year than Bush and Clinton combined, yet he doesn’t have time to go to Berlin.  Now, thanks to a little something called high school, I know a thing or two about getting blown off.  I’ve heard plenty of excuses in the “I have to wash my hair all weekend” mode.  So I feel qualified to say that Obama is full of it.  Sorry Berlin.  Like Molly Ringwald in Pretty In Pink, you can keep putting on all the makeup you want, but sometimes he just isn’t going to show no matter what he says.

This just in from the Not Speaking Of Makeup department: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is attending in Obama’s place.  Oh goodie. Continue Reading…

Obama’s Uh-Oh Of The Month

November 4, 2009 in News, Politics with 0 Comments

The results are in.  For those of you unaware, yesterday was actually an election day.  If you missed it, don’t worry.  It’s only the staple of our entire republican way of life in which we give all power to elected representatives in a free and fair process that is the hallmark of democracy.  Whew.  Where was I?

Oh yeah, the Democrats got trounced.  Not surprising if you read history books.  This trend is common.  As a matter of fact, you’ve perhaps heard that in all America’s history, each time a political party takes the White House (i.e. Dems in 2008), that party loses the following midterm elections.  The only two exceptions are FDR and George W. Bush.  Roosevelt had the country’s attention during the Great Depression while Bush rocked America’s approval following 9/11. 

So independents in key states broke for the GOP last night.  That simply lines up with our history, a two century string of checks and balances where the winners eventually lose and the losers can usually make a comeback.

You can read any of a thousand articles for details, but here’s the important basics you should know to gather the meaning of these elections.

  1. Obama ‘s influence takes a hit.  He personally campaigned a good deal for his party, most notably Democratic gubernatorial candidates in NJ (Corzine) and Virginia (Deeds).  They both lost even with the president’s backing.  Continue Reading…

Obama’s House Gives Censorship A Twirl

October 24, 2009 in News, Politics with 0 Comments

The White House got a kick in the pants this week from Constitution-wielding media networks.  Fitting that at Halloween time our Executive branch would attempt one of the scariest violations of democratic rights I’ve seen in my lifetime.  Obama’s had a problem with Fox News for some time now for what he feels is unfair treatment.  By unfair, he means they report the news even if it’s critical of him.  Love ’em or hate ‘em, if Fox News were making stuff up all the time, they wouldn’t be a part of the White House pool. 

The White House pool is a five network rotation of media outlets that share costs and responsibilities of covering White House happenings.  Fox News has been a part of the pool since 1997.  On Thursday, the White House tried to exclude Fox News from interviewing Obama’s pay czar Ken Feinberg.  The decision to ban a major news network from the president’s administration is stunning, and I don’t mean stunning as in “look at Kate Beckinsale!”  I’m talking stunning as in here’s a taser right to the gut of First Amendment rights. 

Remember Thomas Jefferson’s take on the importance of the press?  If you’ve never read this before, here you go.

“The basis of our governments being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter. But I should mean that every man should receive those papers and be capable of reading them.” — Thomas Jefferson to Edward Carrington, 1787.

Well, here comes the good part of this story.  The other members of the D.C. press put aside partisan obsession and decided that Jefferson was right and Obama’s White House is wrong.  ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN refused to interview Feinberg if Fox was to be ostracized.  The White House caved.  How cool is that? Continue Reading…

Obama Get Nobel Peace Prize, Plans War In Middle East

October 9, 2009 in History, News, Politics with 0 Comments

The AP headline this morning read “In A Surprise, Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize.”  In related news, other shocking announcements reveal that the sun rose, the Pittsburgh Penguins beat the Philadelphia Flyers again, and David Letterman isn’t perfect.  Quite frankly, I was more surprised this morning at how much Fruity Pebbles we had left.

A white-knuckled, teeth clenched Chelsea Clinton told reporters that “No, really, mom and dad are thrilled for the president.  They have in no way turned the living room into an MMA fighting arena.”

Many observers won’t be stunned that Obama was given a Nobel.  He has gone to great pains to hook up with the rest of the world, but you’re not gonna have to find Glenn Beck on the radio to hear someone question the merits of this award.  Questions are already popping this week about Obama’s relationship with the left-wing media.  Wolf Blitzer’s beard almost came off as he condemned Saturday Night Live’s sendup of the president’s year one lack of accomplishments.  Early reaction to this morning’s announcement is drawing more criticism.

Newsweek blogger David A. Graham doesn’t share the Prize Committee’s zeal.  In an article detailing some other controversial selections, Graham points out that it’s a bit early for such acclaim.  After all, didn’t Arizona State University feel Obama shouldn’t even get an honorary degree?  Furthermore, the author notes, “Obama is likely to order thousands more troops into a warzone within weeks.” 

The president’s supporters have been picking up criticism lately over Obama’s escalation of the war in Afghanistan and his failure to close Guantanamo or even release prisoners anywhere near the rate of the Bush administration.  While Obama draws ire from his base, he ain’t exactly gathering new supporters from the right.  One might suggest that Obama could end up a man without a country, but that’s not the case.  Tons of countries love him; he just isn’t doing so well in America. 

You can expect a parade of skepticism from all over the world similar to that of Lech Walesa, former President of Poland, the baddest Pole I’ve ever met, and 1983 Nobel Peace laureate.  “So soon?   Too early. [Obama] has no contribution so far.  He is still at an early stage.  He is only beginning to act.” 

I can’t seem to find any lines in there to read between.

The AP makes this business sound like dog training.  The peace prize committe meant to scold former President Bush while luring the young president with a Nobel bone.  “Come on Obama.  You’re doing good!  Keep it up!”  If the criticism ever gets too tough, die-hards can always fall back on the comforting knowledge that Obama only makes mistakes because of what George Bush did to America. Continue Reading…

Summit Madness

September 23, 2009 in News, Politics with 5 Comments

We are off and rolling here in Pittsburgh, The City of Champions and unlikely host to the international conference that is your G-20 Summit.  Well, get in the fast lane grandma cause the bingo game is ready to roll, and the real story of this event has begun to unfold.  We’re talking about the protestors, thKDKAose crazy cats so popular among the young and rebellious, so annoying to everyone else with jobs.   

Some environmentalists got things started today.  A few members of Green Peace decided to unfurl a massive sign over the side of the West End Bridge.  Four of the Greenies then repelled to the base of the sign to hang out for a while, grab a lot of early attention, and generally warn us all that nature is doomed and we’re the doomers.  Hey don’t blame me GP, I sometimes prefer paper over plastic after driving my SUV to a food conglomerate retail center to buy chemically enhanced meat.

Something tells me we’re just getting started.  Many world leaders are arriving as I type, streets are being shut down, and college campuses and office buildings are being taken over as staging grounds for the heaviest presence of law enforcement this town has ever seen.  And wait until Joan Jett and the Black Hearts play an outdoor concert tonight. 

Rumor has it that other cities turned down the “opportunity” to host this event.  I can’t imagine Obama offered the Summit to anyone before giving Chicago a chance.  I guess other major metropolis types didn’t want the headache.  This town just doesn’t know any better.  Now the eyes of the world are upon us.  Pittsburghers are a nutty bunch, but they may have met their match.

We have a beautiful city here, the only one ever named most livable twice.  International reporters already in town have commended their hosts  and the beauty of the city.  That last one may be a little unexpected, but you’d be hard-pressed to find a better entrance into a major American city than the panorama unfolding as you emerge from the Fort Pitt Tunnels.

Speaking of those tunnels, police foiled another protestor plot down there a little while ago.  From the looks of things, these folks were gunnin’ to make something happen on that mountain.  Maybe they wanted to emerge ala Moses, a righteous leader descending into a land of sinners, a spectacle of lust and greed that is corporate capitalism and modern politics.

Villains of this ilk hide behind their sparkling facades adorned with logos of the damned, names like GAP and APPLE.  Don’t believe me?  Hop on over to Shadyside, a ritzy little town as “enlightened” as it gets, a cozy spot where you can sip $6 lattes while sporting the latest in eyewear frames.  Along the posh streets of Shadyside, business owners are directing contractors in last minute preparations for the aggression that is to come.  Apparently there is a list, a target sheet if you will, of those major conglomerates so happy to destroy the earth while defecating on the poor. Continue Reading…

Should Dead People Have Sex?

September 13, 2009 in News with 5 Comments

Those Nutty Germans Are At It Again.  Take a peek at this little chestnut fresh off the wire. 

“Anatomists in Germany plan a show dedicated solely to dead bodies having sex as part of the Body World’s exhibitions.”

Listen, I just report this stuff.  Politicians in Germany are being critical using words like “revolting” to describe the exhibit of chemically manipulated corpses being posed for, well, you know.

Sounds like a Perry Mason novel.  The Case of the Copulating Cadavers.

This Berlin controversy isn’t the first of its kind in recent years.  An exhibit called Bodies continues to make the rounds from Asia to America.  Outrage erupts wherever the exhibit goes.  Protests focus on the macabre nature of dead humans as well as reports that the corpses were illegally obtained from Chinese prisons.

Angelina Whalley, director of the Body Worlds exhibit and certifiable sicko to 88.73% of most everybody, claims to be attempting to counter the media’s portrayal of sex as something indecent.  What media is she watching?  Yeah, that’s a real problem, how the media and culture are so down on sex and indecency.  Continue Reading…

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