Sorry Florida: No Sex With Porcupines
Florida is easy to pick on. I think a lot of us outside the Sun Belt like to cast aspersions on states with nice weather just like a lot of folks like to ridicule supermodels and athletes to feel better about themselves. While having some fun with Florida’s python hunting season, I discovered a long list of cr
azy laws still on the books in the Sunshine State.
Some of these ordinances are more strange than disturbing. Did you know that in Miami it’s illegal for a man to wear any type of strapless gown? How about the Tampa Bay restriction that forbids eating cottage cheese after 6 p.m. on Sundays? Hard to believe isn’t it? Women can also get fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer. The salon owner gets in trouble too.
Perhaps the most inexplicable law of all is the prohibition of having sexual relations with a porcu
pine. I would love to know the true life events that led a lawmaker to feel the necessity to ban human-porcupine intercourse. Now, I am no big fan of far-reaching government controls, but I do happen to think that avoiding this type of behavior is a good idea.
Sometimes these rules are just misinterpreted. For example, some college spring breakers may totally misunderstand a Sarasota mandate that you may not catch crabs. This one’s about shellfish gang.
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To be fair, Florida isn’t the only state with super bizarro laws. You can find ridiculous rules just about everywhere.
Alabama has a decent collection of crazy rules. I know, shocking right? Although incestuous marriages are permitted, bear wrestling matches and spitting in front of the opposit
e sex are not. That basically means you can marry your sister, just don’t spit in front of her. Also, when in Alabama be sure to never wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church, and under no circumstances are you to have an ice cream cone in your back pocket. Laugh if you want, but I think that’s good advice for ice cream lovers everywhere.
You can find some great laws on the other side of the country as well. In California, for example, it’s illegal to shoot at animals from a moving vehicle unless the target is a whale. I would love to hear the discussion that led to that one. Like we have such a whale-overcrowding issue. Did the men sitting around the table agree to the first part until they thought, “You know, that’s a good law but what if one of us finally gets a clean shot at a whale while driving down the coast?”
You can find more of these from all across our fruited plain. Indiana has its fair share, but I do think they are really handcuffing the service industry by outlawing barbers from threatening to cut off kid’s ears. How else are you supposed to get them to sit still?
You can go on like this for a while. I don’t even want to mess with Texas. Some of you shouldn’t be judgmental here though. I’m looking at you Illinois. Read more »
Christmas Haters
Have you ever heard a story that should be sad but makes you laugh? No, I’m not talking about the story of the 2009 Pittsburgh Steelers. The juicy little tidbit I have roasting over an open fire is about literally stealing some Christmas joy.
If Charles Dickens and Dr. Seuss would have got together, they might have come up with this true story that Huffington Post ran with the headline “Police: Christmas-Hating Man Stole Salvation Army Kettle In Maumee, Ohio.” Ebenezer Scrooge doesn’t have much on the Christmas culprit who shoved a bell-ringer to the ground, snatched the kettle filled with hundreds of dollars, and took off like the Hamburglar. The victim was an unemployed woman trying to do some good for someone.
I know that’s not very funny, but then I got to the part of the story where the man yelled out, “I can’t stand you and your bell-ringing. I hate Christmas!” What a cartoon this guy is. Sorry but I find that funny. Dont worry, the loser scrooge has been arrested. Anybody that stupid never gets away.
His name is Shawn Krieger and he apparently attended the Kanye West School of Civility and Jackassery. He narrowly escaped the woman he pushed. She chased him until he sped off in a stolen pickup truck (what else?). The poor woman feared she had let down the Army of love, but she’s been assured that she can go right on ringing those bells and sending wishes to strangers. Pretty impressive when you consider she ain’t getting paid.
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I was thinking about the Salvation Army–a.k.a. my old employer–recently after seeing a couple of bell-ringers womanning their post next to one of those iconic red kettles outside of a grocery store. The difference that caught my eye this time was the youthful appearance of the merriment wishers. The bell-ringing greeters were actually two young girls, attractive and sweet. Read more »
Nasty (Bacon) Bits & Pieces
Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez told his people last week they better lose some weight if their glorious revolution is to be successful. ”There are lots of fat people,” said the not-so-svelte tyrant. He explained the solution during a televised speech. “Doing sit-
ups. Eating well. One has to learn how to eat.”
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| Will Michael Moore heed the diet call of his buddy Chavez? |
So what does a good revolutionary eat? Soy milk and rice pasta for starters. Such healthy dishes make Chavez feel “ready to continue commanding the Bolívarian revolution”. Unfortunately, most Venezuelans prefer coke, beer, and fried pork.
I’m sure the fact that Chavez is calling his people fat has nothing to do with their love for American-style food products. I’m further confident this speech has nothing to do with coming restrictions on the lives of Venezuelans. Riiiigggghhhht.
In other news this past week, pigs may not be as stupid as we thought. Actually, let’s face it, no one cares about how smart pigs might be except for misguided researchers intent on wasting millions of dollars so we can figure out how smart our food might be before it walks to slaughter. A study on pig cognition has shown that pigs must be quick learners. Wanna know what it is to lead an empty life? Become a scientific researcher that doesn’t benefit society no matter how “successful” they ever become. I wonder if this is a government-funded (our tax money) project.
Speaking of fat pigs, Rosie O’Donnell was back in the news last week. I guess 
pigs aren’t that smart after all. She managed to chortle out a couple swears before dropping an F bomb on Fallon’s audience. By the way, Fallon loses a ton of cred in my book for appearing to be so happy about her. I thought we knew you better Jimmy.
Rosie’s lone positive contribution to society is that she didn’t ruin A League Of Their Own. I still can’t believe she played Betty Rubble, beloved cartoon of my youth. She makes Miss Piggy look like Marilyn Monroe. I never thought twice about Miss Nasty until I happened to catch her ambushing Tom Selleck on her doomed show back in 1999. She’s been an abject failure ever since.
Maybe they can send some of these fools to the moon. According to NASA, there’s plenty of water there for them to drink. You may remember back on October 9th when some hopeful observers stood on their front porch or lawn to see the Lcross Centuar make impact with the moon. Apparently you can’t see a car crash 250,000 miles away. Shocker. Read more »
Should Dead People Have Sex?
Those Nutty Germans Are At It Again. Take a peek at this little chestnut fresh off the wire. 
“Anatomists in Germany plan a show dedicated solely to dead bodies having sex as part of the Body World’s exhibitions.”
Listen, I just report this stuff. Politicians in Germany are being critical using words like “revolting” to describe the exhibit of chemically manipulated corpses being posed for, well, you know.
Sounds like a Perry Mason novel. The Case of the Copulating Cadavers.
This Berlin controversy isn’t the first of its kind in recent years. An exhibit called Bodies continues to make the rounds from Asia to America. Outrage erupts wherever the exhibit goes. Protests focus on the macabre nature of dead humans as well as reports that the corpses were illegally obtained from Chinese prisons.
Angelina Whalley, director of the Body Worlds exhibit and certifiable sicko to 88.73% of most everybody, claims to be attempting to counter the media’s portrayal of sex as something indecent. What media is she watching? Yeah, that’s a real problem, how the media and culture are so down on sex and indecency. Read more »
God Bless The Onion
Here’s the latest NEWS IN PHOTOS feature from the beloved Onion.
‘Kennedy Curse’ Claims Life Of 77-Year-Old Tumor-Riddled Binge-Drinker
08.26.09 | Issue 45•35
Scientologists Gone Wild
Someone should tell the Mormons that they blew it. Sorry Mitt. If you’re ever gonna make up a new religion don’t pick Utah as your headquarters. Where would be better than Utah you ask? Good question. The answer is just about anywhere else, but preferably the beach. For followers of sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard that would be Clearwater Beach, Florida.
I know this because I recently spent a fortnight (assuming fortnight means 8 days) down at Clearwater. Sure, like any other religious seeker I dabbled in other areas like Tam
pa Bay and Ft. Myers, but those other spots lacked all I came to love about ClearH2O, endearing features like torrential rainfall, tornado warnings, shark attacks, haters of all things Pittsburgh and, most of all, Scientologists.
Quick editorial note: I don’t really believe Scientology should have a capital S, but let’s not take the chance since they could sick aliens on me to melt my brain and/or face.
Since you, like me, have probably never researched this unique organization, let’s take a closer look, and by closer look I mean ridicule and satirize without actually researching anything.
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All I knew about Scientology heading into my vaca was that L. Ron Hubbard created the thing, Tom Cruise & John Travolta were big fans, and aliens were involved. That alone helped explain Cruise’s behavior on Oprah and Battlefield Earth. Also, they want to “clear the planet” of us 6 billion or so people in their way. Bet you didn’t know that little chestnut.
As I first took in the sights of Clearwater Beach, I began to learn more of these pleasure seekers. They’re not exactly catching rays at the surf, more like walking in circles around landside buildings. And they love Starbucks. Beware coffee drinkers, methinks there’s a powerful elixir in that steaming venti.
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| Key Centers Of Scientology. Notice Starbucks. I Have No Idea Why 311 Eldridge St. Is Marked. |
One day I got stopped at a red light next to a parked van, the official ScientologyMobile. Graphics adorned the white box on wheels, messages explained that I was empty and miserable and urged me to buy L. Ron Hubbard’s book Dianetics so that I could attain peace and happiness. Inspired by the cult-mobile I yearned to know more. Well, that and it had rained for five straight days.
At first I tried to speak to some of the local faithful. Scientologists are easy to spot. Their dress code apparently came out of the employee handbook for Red Lobster servers. Perhaps sensing my outsiderness, they hoarded their Starbucks cups and sidestepped me as I approached. I tried signaling them ala Spock from Star Trek, but I never could do that stupid salute with two fingers pointing each way, so I inadvertently gave a bunch of Scientologists the finger. Trust me, not something you want to do on their home turf.
I looked to my family for help, but they had jumped in the rental van and drove away. Relentless as Rosie O’Donnell after porkchop sandwiches, I determined to infiltrate the Clearwater compound for answers. Read more »
We’re All On Drugs
Pfizer is getting in on the bailout fun. The pharmaceutical giant will provide free drugs to folks who have lost their jobs recently. The interesting point here w
ould have to do with the inclusion of Viagra for the jobless.
Call me old-fashioned, but if you’ve recently lost your job, the last thing you need is Viagra and the distractions that come with all that. If your distractions last for more than four hours, how in the world will you get any applications filled out? I would focus on beefing up a resume instead. I can imagine the conversation.
DOCTOR: What seems to be the problem?
JOBLESS GUY: I recently lost my job.
DR.: What am I supposed to do?
JG : Give me Viagra.
DR.: Do you work in porn?
JG: No, I just want to be ready in case the time is right.
[Cue terrible music by middle-aged cover band] Read more »
Sex Boycotts
Life imitated art this week in Africa as some Kenyan women called a play from the playbook of classical Greece. The men of Kenya continue to battle political opponents without doing any good for the people. Now those men don’t get to have sex for a while until they think about what they’ve done and change.
One man, James Kimondo is suing the leaders of G10, the coalition of women’s groups that has called for this national sex boycott. Kimondo is claiming anxiety and sleepless night since his wife is denying his “conjugal rights.” Ha! For the love of Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Where to begin?
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| Giving No For An Answer |
Leaders who have sparred for decades have put aside their differences to complain to each other about their wives.
In other news, Kenya’s prostitution industry is getting a ton of action this week.
Miss California Carrie Prejean could not be reached for comment, Hugh Heffner is appalled, and Perez Hilton doesn’t understand what the big deal is.
Let’s skip to Aristophanes, the world’s first comedic playwright. His play Lysistrata tells a similar tale of a woman tired of death and tragedy during the era of the Peloponnesian War. Lysistrata convinces some other gals to hold out in the bedroom until the boys shape up. Unlike anti-war movies of today, Aristophanes actually experienced some success at the box office. Apparently sex strikes are funny as long as they’re fictional. Read more »
April 2009 Leftovers
Here’s some of the stories EduClaytion considered in April. Be sure to use the
Contact page if you hear of any other great stories.
- Rocket Fuel Chemical Found In Baby Formula
- Tall Corpse’s Legs Cut Off To Fit Casket
- Obama Breaks First Pitch Tradition
- Evgeni Malkin Is All Hart
Heard any crazy news stories? Let us know. You can also Subscribe to my feed or you can click here to receive posts via email.
Beauties, Beasts, and Tramp Stamps
Crazy week for EduClaytion as the semester winds down, research papers are flying in, finals are on the way, and my dog pulled a Tom Brady by tearing his CCL (the canine equivalent of an ACL/knee ligament). So here’s your 60 second recap of the week’s 
keen stories.
Barbie turned 50 and is getting tatoos. Hard to believe that Ken’s girl signed up for a tramp stamp.
Speaking of beauty queens, Miss California Carrie Prejean went up against internet celeb Perez Hilton during the Miss America pageant. Prejean says she lost the crown because she had the nerve to hold a personal belief on gay marriage. Hilton aired a scathing video reply. Miss California won’t be wearing a shiny tiara but loves the massive exposure the controversy is giving her. Saturday Night Live should be interesting.
Did you catch President Obama’s, ahem, press conference the other night? I haven’t seen coverage that weak since the San Francisco 49ers slaughtered the San Diego Chargers in Super Bowl XXIX. As Dennis Miller said, it’s a scary world when Miss California gets tougher questions that the president.
Speaking of beautiful people, how many of them work for Barrack Obama? According to People magazine, at least one. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was picked for one of the magazine’s most beautiful humans in th
e world. That’s not a mistake. The tax-evading former member of the Federal Reserve that helped create this whole economic mess in the first place also happens to have a brother who works for the magazine, but I ain’t one to gossip so you didn’t hear it from me. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that I want on next year’s list.
Geithner continues to work through a tough economy. Many corporations continue to change their ways. Even American Idol eliminated their powerful Idol Give Back this season. The producers felt that now is not the best time to ask people for money. Read more »
Playing Hookey With Facebook In Switzerland
Imagine you’ve just sat down at your computer, steaming cup of Swiss cocoa at your side. You punch a few keys for some Facebook fun during a nice relaxing day off work. Then you get fired from your job.
An insurance worker for Nationale Suissehad that experience this week after calling off work with a migraine headache she said made computer work impossible. The 30-year-old employee left work sick and later used her iPhone to access the popular social networkin
g site. Now she’s out of a job.
Last week blogger Blake Sunshineexplained how Facebook is the #1 social network site in 11 of Europe’s 17 countries including Switzerland. Sunshine finished up the post about Facebook’s success by explaining (accurately) that “It is now safe to make Facebook a large part of your social media marketing strategy.”
The sick Swiss worker may hold a different view. Facebook: Great for marketing, terrible when skipping work.
How Hillary Might React To Being Fired
I won’t pretend to know enough specifics of this incident to make any judgments. As an employer, I wouldn’t be happy if an employee left work sick and was later seen gallivanting around town. Many people have found much worse ways to get fired. If I found out they went home and read a book or newspaper, I wouldn’t care. Facebook wouldn’t be a big deal either except for the claim that the employee could not work in front of a computer. Read more »
Hear The One About The Gay Polish Elephant?
The Poznan Zoo in Poland is being criticized for acqui
ring a boy elephant that appears to like other boy elephants. In case you failed health class, that means he won’t be advancing the herd anytime soon. Oops.
Zoo officials first became skeptical when the elephant, Ninio, began dancing to Village People music playing over the zoo’s loudspeakers.
Polish politicians have long debated gay rights issues, but no one expected politics to play a part in the life of a sexually finicky elephant. Read more »
White House Connected To Shocking Suicide
SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t caught up with House episodes and intend to, you better not read anymore.
Actor Kal Penn’s character on popular Fox show House turned up dead on this week’s episode, an apparent suicide. The cast and fans alike have been searching for answers as to why the rising young doctor would do such a thing. We now have the answer.
Apparently Penn has been offered a job at the White House to work in the Obama administration. You’d probably kill yourself too. Read more »
White People With Blue Eyes Ruin Everything
The cause of all this economic trouble has been uncovered. During a joint press conference with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva (Portuguese for “raving lunatic”) said the crisis was caused by “the irrational behavior of white people with blue eyes…”
Brad Pitt better cancel his travel plans to Brazil. I wonder what Gordon Brown’s wife thought of the comments?
PM Gordon Brown’s white, blue eyed wife
When challenged about his idiotic claims, Lula further proved he is a blittering buffoon with no credibility: “I only record what I see in the press. I am not acquainted with a single black banker.” I wonder if he’s ever heard of a black president. I hope my man Walter Williams weighs in on this knucklehead. Read more »
The Dishwasher Rebellion
The insurrection has begun. In our increasingly controlled society, Americans continue to find ways to protest. First came the tea parties, now some Northwesterners are crying “Never!” against fascist government controls. What could be the object of such resistance? Dishwasher Detergents.
Soccer moms have taken to smuggling in the good stuff–Cascade and Electrosol–from the Idaho black market, a seedy underworld of Coscos and Sam’s Clubs that push fish-hating chemical cleaners containing phosphates.
Mabye we better back up for a second. Last year, Washington state law began requiring citizens to use eco-friendlydishwasher detergents.
The reason some people even care about phosphates in detergent is because the chemicals wind up in rivers, promote algae growth, and hog up oxygen that some fish would like to have. Call me calloused, but I really don’t care about some fish I’ve never even met. If I did ever meet them, I would probably just end up eating them anyway. After I eat them, it’ll take a powerful cleaner to get all their leftover bits off my plates.
Ten states including Pennsylvania, New York, Michigan, and more are joining Washington in the ban. From this legislation we learn that:
- The green movement is still going.
- Apparently Congress doesn’t have anything to do.
- Going green leaves your dishes dirty. Read more »
Welcome To Here
In The Matrix, Morpheus tells Neo he can take the blue pill and go on believing whatever he wants to believe. Or he can take the red pill to stay in Wonderland and find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.
This is a red pill type site with a weekly column (and some extras in between) that provides information in an entertaining way. It’s about clear thinking and good writing. It’s about truth.
I’m a writer/speaker who teaches history and political science at a local college by day. Where is local, you say? Well, that would be Wonderland of course.
From pop culture to pop politics, this is my column.
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